Trust and Love

It feels like God is after everything in me and it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. For a long time I've been afraid of what will happen…..no matter what it might be and I've lived that way for a long time......maybe forever and I don’t want to live like that anymore. I just can’t. What is my testimony? It’s not finished yet but I will know what I’m supposed to say when it’s time. Right now I'm undone and I wish I knew it was for the last time but I can’t say that it is. God, how I long to see something amazing and hear and believe and love and understand. I want to feel the sun on my face and know the direction I'm going. Will I ever have that? Will I ever see, on this earth, what I have dreamed of seeing? God I want to see and hear but what if I don’t?

There've been many times when my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I envision a beautiful crystal vase that's been dropped to the floor and there was nothing but shards of glass. And I know the only way it was put back together was by God’s hand. He found and picked up each and every single piece, no matter where it landed or how tiny it was; and He carefully and lovingly and patiently put my heart completely back together. And it was not a shattered heart with the scars and bruises of life on it but a new and clean and pure heart. And I now know my heart that He healed is whole and beautiful. And yet once again I face my lack of trust in God. And I want to pull away instead of reach for Him because I’m afraid of the cost. But I know deep inside I want there to be nothing between us but relationship that I trust and feel every single second of every single day.

I asked God for something tonight and I left church hurt and rejected but then I got in my car and found my answer and it took my breath away. It literally made me gasp out loud. There it was right in my hand just between Him and me. God I want to trust you with my whole heart whether it is shattered and broken or whole and healed. I'll ask you to give me another chance. I can't even calculate the huge number of chances I've been given up to now.......I’m sure it is the second or the fiftieth or the ten thousandth or the bazillioneth…..

Jeremiah 31:3.......I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.