February is almost over and I've been away from this space for a long time again. I've tried to write a few things and then I'd read it and hate it and then try something else and hate it more. Typically, I then erase it all and walk away. It's become the pattern for a long time now. Most especially in the last 13 months.
But trying to move forward has been really tough. We've had birthdays and weddings and Easter and Christmas and as life would have it, it keeps marching on. But life feels different. And because of that, I've been somewhat paralyzed when it comes to writing. I've blogged what I've had to and nothing else.
So I'm not sure if this will be the beginning of something new or another attempt at starting over. But here I am again. Trying...
As I continue to move forward in a sort of normal way, I don't want anyone to ever forget they are gone. No matter what I'm writing about or thinking about, I never forget they are gone. A birthday or a wedding day or an, I'm going to the grocery store day. I never forget it. I can't. There is no escape from it. This is the new me. The me that has lost her mother and her sister and I don't completely know what to do with myself. I can't hide it and I can't run from it. And because of that, I've not been here to record my thoughts, feelings and broken heart. That's why. Because I miss them more today than a month ago and it never goes away. With each passing day I miss them more and grappling with this permanent separation has been the hardest thing I've ever felt. So I hope that anyone reading this understands that I'm not trying to be a whiny baby. Instead, I'm trying to learn this new way of living and to write about life as this new me sees it every day.
We have spent a year plus without Mom and almost one year without Carrie. That's so hard to believe. Almost one year has passed. In that time we've continued with normal every day things. But it all feels so different to me. I still think about calling Mom and going by. Not sure I'll ever not think that way.
This time last year I was so sure Carrie was going to be healed and would be living her best life here on earth. I thought she deserved to have whatever she wanted after some of the sacrifices she made during her lifetime. So when she died it shook me to my core because I was so sure she going to be OK. So sure. Because the level of my wrongness was so huge, my faith has failed me and I have no confidence in hearing from God. So it's been the worst kind of year because of death and failure. When in my eyes for Carrie, failure was not an option.
So one year later I'm still floundering in unsureness of myself and what I thought I heard and what I thought I saw and what I said to Carrie. She knew what I believed. And the struggle to make myself believe I didn't lie to her has been my own personal hell on earth. Even though I DID believe it, so I guess it wasn't a lie. But nonetheless I was so wrong.
So here I am....unsure, fairly faithless and not knowing what is from God and what isn't. Most days the struggle for me is so real. It's always been so easy for me to list all my failures very quickly. They're on a tape recorder in my head.
This place I find myself in is why I haven't come back to this space to express myself until right now.
It's taking all I have not to erase these words and walk away again.
Lord help me somehow to get to the other side of this grief that has tried to consume me.
