Later today I'm leaving for my favorite place in the whole world. It's where the bluebonnets are blooming.
I can't wait to get to Corsicana and take a breath where peace is built into the fabric of the land. The peace I feel there is like no other place I've ever been.
There's been so much sadness in our family in the last few months. And because of that, Owen's final days of college has sort of snuck up on me.
In a couple of weeks Owen will graduate from college and with that, so ends the official schooling of our four kids. Even though Owen has one more graduation in his future after this one, this phase of our lives is ending for John and me. And I can't believe it. This baby boy, the youngest of his generation in our family, is moving on to make his life in the world. Only he's not a baby, he's all grown up. This grown man who is my son will be living somewhere else and I can't imagine not seeing his face around the house every day.
But he will be off for a new challenge of becoming a PhD, and thankfully not too far away. I'll never forget the day Owen was born and the anticipation of getting another girl. I was so convinced he was a girl, so when the doctor told us, "It's a boy," I asked John, "Really, what is it?" And he said, "I think it's a boy." It still makes me smile that John said, I think....
We brought our surprise baby boy home and he was surrounded by three older sisters who loved him fiercely. He managed to fit right into this household, so fully ensconced in pink everything. I'm so glad this tenderhearted guy who never meets a stranger is my son. He is the perfect last child for us.
From his early love of baseball to his intense drive to achieve the best grades he could, he has been something to watch grow up. He will forever be the little boy who figured out how to cheat at Backyard Baseball and the one who loved to play baseball even before he could hold a glove correctly. And the day he walked away from baseball in high school was the day my heart broke a little about it. This first love of his was over and I remember a sense of sadness in him about it. But he took it in stride and then turned his focus to huge academic achievements. And before I knew it, he had graduated from high school at the top of his class as a valedictorian. It happened in a flash.
From boyhood to manhood took 12 seconds. Other things I remember from his little boy years...shaving off his eyebrows almost completely, salted biscuits...we still don't know why.... hidden pepper flakes in the spaghetti....that didn't take long for us to figure out. He was the little mascot of his sister's softball teams and he flirted with all the girls.
He was too cute to resist.
My mother's heart is overwhelmed with the fact that it's almost over. I don't want to go back, but the future is going to be so different for me as a Mom. I'm not altogether sad about it, but it's going to take an adjustment for me to be in this new place. I have no idea what it will look like.
I'm so proud of all that Owen has achieved and I know his determination will help him become whatever he chooses. All four of our kids have courage and a strength of character to achieve the things they set their sights on. And the things they have tackled have been as varied as the four people I birthed. I love them more than I could ever express and I couldn't be prouder of each one of them.
This ULM graduation will be the end of an era in our family. As with much of what we do, our family will be there en masse to support Owen. But when he walks across that stage on May 12th, two people will be missing. It will be the first graduation Mom has missed in my kid's lives. Owen had dogged her for years about being there. He insisted. But for some reason, it was one thing she never promised him. And that wasn't like her.
But it won't be the same without her and Carrie. I am forever grateful that he was loved by both of them.
Things are about to change again, and I wish so much that Mom was here, because she would understand it and tell me it was going to be OK. She knew it, because she lived it.
I think because we have loved so much, it makes the heartache bigger when we lose. The life we have lived together as a family is worth this feeling of loss. It just takes time for our hearts to learn to live without their presence.
Lord have mercy I want them to still be here happy and healthy. But here we are, and here we go with this among many events celebrating without them.
They would be so proud of you Owen.
What a life we have shared together.
Love you all forever and always.
Somewhere....on the other side of this sunset....somewhere in heaven....there is a host of loved ones I'm missing so much.
Our whole family has always appreciated a lovely sunset. And no matter where I am in the world, I'm hoping for the loveliest one yet to be seen.
In the evenings Big Frank could almost always be found on the golf course hitting golf balls and watching the sunset. He must have passed his love for it to all of us, because I think we all watch for them. For years we have shared pictures with each other of the good ones we have seen.
It's hard to find a good place in town to watch a sunset. But lately I've found myself becoming better acquainted with the countryside near Rayville, and so far I'm loving what I'm seeing.
It feels like the skies are bigger out there.
It comforts my heart to see a lovely evening sky in the country.
I'll finish with some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head...
I've pretty much shut down communication with God since Carrie left. And I don't expect he will be explaining himself to me anytime soon. Or ever. But there is too much I don't understand. And yet I don't really want explanations from him. I just want to know all is well, even though it's not.
The other day I realized that the Carrie I'm missing is the Carrie who lived here on earth. The one who was sick and unable to stay with us. The heavenly Carrie is someone I don't even know. But I bet she still watches the sunsets. Only now she has the most perfect view. And no worries.
I cancelled her cell phone service yesterday, a number she'd had for at least twenty five years. It might seem to some to be no big deal, except that it was. That simple act made me remember there is so much more work to do going forward. I have to find a way to trust God with my brokenness, because only he can fix this shattered mess of a heart that is mine right now.
Then this scripture came to my mind. Wonder who put it there...
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are never destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
The pressing on all sides in the last days and weeks has been intense. And it FEELS like I've been abandoned, struck down and crushed.
But then this one has come to my mind as well. Someone is trying to help me...
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4
Maybe what we will be left with after all the mess of life will be Jesus and sunsets.
Love you forever and always Carrie.
It's been 36 days since I saw Carrie's face. Thirty six days since she left. I don't like to use the term, died. I prefer to say she left. Because in my mind, and in my heart, that's what happened. She left us for heaven. She left us for Jesus, Mom, Dad and all the rest who are there enjoying eternity.
I wonder what they're doing.
Do they understand how my broken heart can't take that she has gone? Does she understand the void she left in my heart? Does she know how much I miss her? I don't know how to live my life without her here with me. I don't know how to go a day without hearing from her. In my mind, I reach for her and then, I remember she's not here. I have to make the conscious effort to remember I can't talk to her. I can't hear her voice ever again. It's so painful, and yet I have no obvious wound. To the world I look no different than before she left. Broken hearts have no identifying markers.
But the ache is very real. And the time it will take for the ache to stop is immeasurable. I know it will dissipate, but I don't know when. I don't know if I want to try to be happier, but being miserable won't bring her back. But being happy seems like a betrayal. So I fight the fight of laughing about something and then remembering she isn't here to laugh with me.....
Loss weighs heavy on people when it hits. The absence of a person, my sister, is so real and heavy to me. There has been a ripping of her presence from my life. The connection of being a part of her and she a part of me, is gone. It just stopped that day. And yet moving on without her seems impossible. How does the future look without her here? I cannot see it. So many things have happened since she left. She would want to know about all of it.
We shared something different as sisters after everyone left home and it was just the two of us with Mom and Dad. But now I'm the only one who remembers. She has left me here with our memories and I don't know what to do with them. They were ours together, but now just mine.
So as the weeks and months come and go, I can feel the difference her being gone has made in my life. Instead of thinking about a girls' trip to Dallas with anticipation, I feel a sense of dread knowing it will be our first without her. And sadness once again floods my existence. Retraining my mind to include one less person feels terrible to me, because it seems as if I'm forgetting someone instead of remembering she's no longer here. The sting is real and it hurts like hell right now.
Somehow trying to push through to the better part of life is what I have to do, because I don't like sad. I prefer happy every single time. But happy is in short supply in my life right now. And I'm terrible at pretending about feelings.
After I finished writing this, I almost deleted it, but then I didn't want to. I want my true feelings to be remembered. And hopefully one day in the future, I'll look back from happier times and see how far I've come from this sad place I'm in today. But happiness feels like a ball and chain I'm dragging around behind me at this moment in time. I know I have to live better than I am now, and it's going to be work to do that.
In the meantime, I'm adding this quote from Billy Graham. It's not news that he has the right idea about eternity with Jesus. But for loved ones left on this side of eternity, missing people hurts so much.
"Some day you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don't you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I just will have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God."
So I changed it for Carrie....
"Some day you will read or hear that Carrie Walker is dead. Don't you believe a word of it. She is more alive than she was here on earth. She just changed her address. She went into the presence of God."
And while all that is true, I'm still missing you so much today Carrie.
Love you forever and always.
Give Mom and all a kiss from me.
