I sit here with Clara in my lap for maybe one of the last times. I am typing with one hand so I can hold her mouth open with one finger so she can breathe and rest comfortably. I don't mind doing it at all and she is quite peaceful. Tonight she has stayed in her kennel sleeping most of the time. It is so cute to see her walk in and out all by herself. She knows her territory and it's pretty much wherever she wants it to be because she has all of us wrapped around her tiny little paw.
But it seems like she has fought as hard as she could for as long as she could and she has done such a great job but she is just so small and tired. She has had a long and difficult battle and I have been so proud of her....all of us have. Right now my heart is broken into a million pieces and I want to scream about it all. How many times and ways can one heart be broken and utterly destroyed? I think mine is in the hundreds of thousands now. Somehow I would be satisfied if she just went to sleep and drifted away to be a pup for someone in heaven, but I fear I will not have my way. And once again I have to say I don’t understand how life works and why my prayers seem to go unanswered.
But somehow I will pick myself up again and trust God in spite of what I see or how I feel. We have all prayed and hoped for a beautiful ending to Clara’s story but it doesn’t look like it will be as we had hoped. A miracle could still come and I would welcome it at any second.
But even just right now she fought and scratched to get out of my lap to take a stroll around the den. And so she is doing just that. I can barely stand the hurt. She looks so much like she could still fight if only she would eat. She can’t do one without the other and yet she has not taken a single bite of food on her own in the last 2 weeks. And even though she seems to not be able to eat I can hardly stand the self-doubt and uncertainty of this decision that we are making. I don't want to have to decide for her what her fate will be.
I know God is in control but I have to tell myself that almost every second of every day.
Clearly this little pup stole my heart a little more than the others. She will always be remembered as the precious little valiant fighter Clara Belle.
I will love her forever.
We will see what the morning holds.
2 comments:
I really wanted to meet her....having never laid eyes on her in person but I still loved her too.
this was perfect. and produced tears. she fought so hard. i'm just sad she couldn't grow up and be a normal puppy just for one day. one of the many reasons i'm sad.
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