Just another Sunday night ride in Monroe

Every Sunday afternoon a group of family females in Monroe go for a ride starting between 5 and 5:30. Melanie and I take turns driving and the group of people riding is always evolving. This last Sunday the riders were Billie June, Lydia, Lindsey, Melanie and me. Lydia went home about 7 and the rest of us went to Subway to split a delicious $5 sub after 5:00. After that we went to Whitney, Carlie and Courtney's house to see a cute little German shepherd pup being babysat and that's when we acquired Whitney and Carlie who jumped in for a ride to Wal Mart. Much of our ride's discussion had been about Thanksgiving because the "star of the show" had yet to be purchased. We were beginning to think we'd have to have 40 pounds of turkey flown in from out of town because we were having trouble securing some birds. For that reason, we headed to the mart so the girls could purchase their groceries while Melanie searched for the fowl.

Meanwhile Caitlin was at my house making an apple crustata and we were all anxiously waiting for the phone call that the baked goods were ready for a tasting.

We arrived at Wal Mart regular like and in a rare occurrence, found the following peeps in the store together: Melanie, Lindsey, Whitney, Carlie and I. We got what some might say "distracted" by the shiny glitter of Christmas stuff displayed at the front of the store and so we browsed around before we made our way over to the food. Well, we sort of started splitting up….which....I thought was OK since I'm a GROWN UP....and I went in search of a pair of PJ pants for myself. Well not long after I found the PJ pants area, suddenly I heard big ole kuntry girl Whitney YELL LOUDLY as if she were outside in the big ole kuntry, "LISA!!!!"

I was stunned as I heard my name over the "loudspeaker" that is Whitney's voice. But I did make my way towards her kuntry girl yell (I don't know why I went toward the voice instead of away from it) and rounded the corner just in time to run into Melanie who I'm certain was trying to get as far from Whitney as possible. Whitney was completely without shame that she had yelled my name in the Wal Mart, but instead promptly pointed out that her Tarzan impression was actually affective since I did in fact come to the call. Curses!! She was correct!

So, now the 5 of us were grouped back up and making our way to the food area as Whitney was asking me to help her pick out some paper towels....don't even get me started on that....so as soon as she became distracted...which usually takes less than 3 1/2 seconds….I made another getaway. I headed back to the PJs, and not long after Melanie showed up and said there were no over sized turkeys big enough to feed the whole fam. As she said this, we looked over just in time to see Whitney trying to pry pop tarts out of Carlie and Lindsey's hands, (she has some ludicrous notion that pop tarts aren't breakfast food....but that's for another discussion.) Well, Melanie and I were standing near some soft purple PJs, and watched as the 2 Turner sisters clocked Whitney over their respective beloved pop tarts and successfully ripped them out of her hands. That's when we turned our heads and quickly made our way to the front of the store. Later we found out that after we left the girls, 3 Mexican guys (I'm not racist...it'll explain itself in a minute) started eyeing the 3 girls and decided to try to get a date on the spot. It seems that just as Whitney was reaching for something on the bottom shelf, one of them walked up to her and said, "My name is Jesus or Fred. Whichever one works for you." Unamused at being accosted in Wal Mart, Whitney promptly kneed "Fred" in the groin and as he dropped to the ground like a box of rocks, the other 2 guys ran for their lives as Lindsey and Carlie stood by in sheer delight and giggles. (This may or may not have happened.)

So we exited Wal Mart of our own free will instead of being tossed out by security but we still had one huge problem. Well, 2 really with the obvious one being we weren't able to "lose" Whitney in the store, but also we had no fowl, even though we came prepared to purchase the fowl.

Now the car is reloaded with people and pop tarts and we headed to Brookshire’s on 18th only to discover the turkeys had flown that coup as well. The whole time we were in the car after Whitney had purchased her groceries, she was near epic proportions of panic thinking the eggs and sliced turkey she bought were going to spoil in the 6 minutes it took us to travel from one place to another. But, by now the apple crustata was ready and we immediately lost our focus in anticipation of the pastry meeting up with some French Vanilla ice cream and the bird search took a back seat to the tasty sweets. The dessert was A+ material and by the time we finished “car eating” it was about 9:00 and Lindsey was ready to go home. We meandered towards her house and just as we were about to drive into her driveway Melanie said something about still needing fowl and I said, "Let's go to the other Brookshire’s," and instead of letting Lindsey out, we made her go with. The 10 minute ride to Brookshire’s was completed in 4 minutes as the moon was shining brightly and Whitney, sitting in the back and unable to see it said, “Oh look at the moon! I can’t see it but I see the reflection on the road!” We made it to Brookshire’s with time to spare and this time only Melanie and Whitney went in. As Whitney was exiting the car we heard her mumble something about Brach's chocolate covered raisins and then she was gone. So let’s reassess. The car people were Grandma, Lindsey, Carlie, Whitney’s jumbo sized Pomeranian, Otis (I have no idea when he made his first appearance) and myself. The store people were Melanie and Whitney. I’m telling the truth when I say I have no recollection how Otis ended up with us, but as the car people waited on the store people, we chatted and amused ourselves by watching Otis look for Whitney. In just a few secs, Melanie and Whitney were back empty handed and wanting in the car. And that's when stuff really started happening.

Billie June was sitting in the front seat as the 2 stood in the parking lot waiting for BJ to "mash" the unlock button to let them in the car. Well, I watched as Mom very slowly and purposely proceeded to mash and mash and mash and yet no lock was unlocking and now Carlie’s in the very back seat panicked and yelling, "We're gonna die in here....we need oxygen!!!!" And then Lindsey, using her head that’s not just a hat rack unlocked the door using the manual lock. Well, Whitney opened the door to climb over Lindsey to get to the back seat and for some reason said, “Otis, look at Otis!!” But when Whitney opened the door, the car alarm started going off because Melanie had had the keys all along and actually locked us in the car, unbeknownst to any of us. So, as the alarm was still going off (because Melanie had yet to discover she had her keys) I climbed over the console to let her in as BJ’s steady and deliberately still mashing the button in the same determined manner and saying, "It won't open." Then as Melanie was getting in the car, my phone began to ring, it was Carrie, and I "thought" I heard Melanie say the f word and I started yelling, "Melanie said the f word!! Melanie said the f word!!" By this time Melanie’s completely zeroed in on how many times Billie June was going to mash that button in the exact same direction expecting to get a different result and so she says, “How many times were you going to mash that button in the same direction expecting to get a different result?”

By now it’s 10:00 as we made our way down 165 to start dropping people at their homes and Melanie’s making her case for the “possibility” that while all the chaos was in progress it was a “possibility” that I misheard her as she and Billie June were arguing over the button mashing and the alarm going off and the dog barking, and Whitney climbing in the car and Carlie having a panic attack and the phone ringing and Lindsey laughing like a hyena. Well, OK it’s possible I misheard her. But then as we were rehashing all the craziness, Billie June just let’s “the word” roll right off her tongue like she’d been saying it for years and that’s when the car ERUPTED in shocked/hysterical screams of disbelief!! And even before the screams died down from the first uttering of the word, SHE SAID IT AGAIN!! My “good ear” drum nearly busted for real and as we took everyone to their respective homes, we all agreed this ride was one for the archives of greatness.

And that’s just another Sunday night ride in Monroe.