The shopping trips

This is what happens when I announce to any male in our house that it's time to go shopping. In very dramatic fashion John or Owen (their interchangeable) drops his head to his chest, drops his arms to his side and freezes in disbelief. I can see the wheels turning in their heads thinking, "How can I get out of this? Can I close my eyes and just disappear?" (Me to them,) "You're not getting out of this and you aren't 2 so you can't just close your eyes and disappear." And then when all hope is lost on their part and reality sets in, they trudge to the car seemingly as if it's their last mile.

That entire scenario played out last weekend when I shopped with my 2 boys. And it reaffirmed to me that their outlook on shopping is something akin to finding out that football just became extinct or having their toenails ripped out one by one...it's just too painful to face.

But once they're in the moment of the nightmare, the mindset is sort of like sneaking into a communist country. Get what you HAVE to have, nothing else and get out before you are snatched up to spend the rest of your life in a hellish prison, which for them is the equivalent of shopping nonstop for 5 days and nights.

Now of course for most females, that logic doesn't compute. For instance, if I'm going to buy a pair of shoes, that doesn't mean I can't look at purses. And what if I find the cutest purse that ever lived? And then what if "over there" could be the most fantastic sunglasses that could change my life? For females, it's a process. And through the process, and using female logic, you might end up going home with 4 pairs of shoes, 3 purses, the most fabulously stylish pair of sunglasses and maybe a new car too. It's simple math.

Friday night was Owen's date for torture as Caitlin, Olivia and I took him to find jeans and shoes for school. His mission? To acquire one pair of each. He would've bought the first of anything he saw if it meant ending the misery quickly, but we wouldn't let him. Girls logic is, "If they make hundreds of kinds of jeans and shoes, shouldn't you try on at least 10 to 15 pairs?" However, logic to Owen is, "Try on one pair, like it and I'm back home playing video games in 20 minutes." And because it was 3 girls against 1 boy, we won. He did the obligatory trying on and fashion showing and after 1 1/2 hours and a lackadaisical attitude, he's now the indifferent owner of more than one pair of jeans. And I know he's thinking, "I'm good for a couple of years." That kind of thinking is craziness.

Girls are always adding to a wardrobe in order to perfect it and if I'm buying, then the sky's the limit. My boys think, "If I can survive with 2 pairs of jeans, why do I need 3? It's never about bulk for them unless they're buying fishing line or ammo.

On a side note, apparently because Owen's an amateur at shopping, it's standard practice for his dressing room to be breached every single time he enters a store. I don't understand how it happens but once again a lady came into his dressing room, took all of his clothes....including the ones he wore to the store....and then I had to go chase them all down. It annoys me. Somehow he's gonna have to man up and stake his claim. Clearly in the process of his growing up I did something terribly wrong......sigh.

And it's so obvious Caitlin was born to shop. At one point, as Owen was modeling, she said gleefully, "It's like I have my own personal Ken doll!" She was just happy to be in the vicinity of money being spent. Then there was a tense moment when Caitlin and Olivia brought up the term metro sexual to Owen. His eyes bugged and even though he had no idea what it meant, he knew he didn't want to be one. He didn't change his mind when he found out Jared and Austin both were.

So, at the end of the night, the good news is, I think Owen's ready for school. The bad news is......I'm not.

Saturday was John's turn to get some "school clothes." Now his concept of shopping involves being quick like a bunny and cheap like a cheap person. So for him, the purpose was speed, accuracy and cheapness. Just think of the old show supermarket sweep, run in, grab stuff fast and make it to the finish line. On this day, we were sweeping for pants. End of story. And with that in mind, we couldn't go over to the sock aisle. There was no browsing through shoes. He got cheap tennis shoes a month ago so there was absolutely no need to go visit all the pretty shoes.

In John's mind there was nothing else in the store but pants. He didn't even see anything around because his laser focus was on pants so when I veered off and picked up a shirt, He looked at me seriously and said, "We came to buy pants." So, as if he thought that would scare me, I made him try on 2 shirts. And I also did my job and got the obligatory 10 to 15 pairs of pants to make him try on and since I can't remember the last time he was in a mall and I know it's been at least 2 years since he got new pants, I intended to make the most of the trip. And I did. Although I considered it failure that he refused to even try on the seersucker shorts I found. He refused to even play that game.

Whatever.

But, now he has new pants. And I'm sure he's thinking "I'm good for a couple of years." Which is craziness.

Maybe the male equivalent of shopping for fabulous things is a female buying tires. We had to buy 2 new tires this week and I don't care where the rubber came from. I don't care if they're radial or if they need balancing. They're round and they make circles and they can get me to the mall where all the good stuff is. That's all I can see. And the $700 spent on 2 tires and repairs for my car would have looked fantastic hanging from my arm in the form of a cute little purse.

Why did Eve have to screw this up for all of us?!