Where did the years go?

It seems I have a child that's now a college graduate. I've been taken aback by this development in both our lives, she as the graduate, and me as the mom of a college graduate. The length of time it took to get here from infancy feels like a millisecond. Certainly it couldn't be 24 years ago when I was pregnant and wondering if it was a boy or a girl. And it wasn't almost 23 years ago when I had a baby girl. That night, after she was born, John and I sat in our hospital room alone quietly wondering what in the world were we to do. We had wanted a baby and that's as far as we had gotten, and now we were a family of three. The day we left the hospital with our tiny little girl named Caitlin Bess, I never dreamed the years would go by so fast. And yet here we are with graduation from college upon us. I am the mother of a grown woman.

I'll never forget that day in 1988 they sent us home from the hospital with a newborn baby and no instruction manual. John and I were shocked when the nurse wheeled us out the door and said goodbye. I remember the silence in the car as the three of us drove home. We barely spoke, terrified of the sleeping infant in the back seat and the immense responsibility that lay ahead. In an instant, everything mattered more than it had before. Even the ride home was terrifying with every car on the street now a whizzing missile coming straight for us. Thankfully we made it home and once there, we began the daunting task of raising our baby. And all the things about raising a child were now in the forefront of our minds, feeding, not feeding, changing, bathing, sleeping, not sleeping, school, doctor visits.....the stuff parents fret about as they try to figure it all out. As the months of that first year wore on, we were grateful she survived under our care, and then in the years to follow Emma joined us, and Olivia and Owen as well. Our family was complete, and with our minds in a constant state of confusion due to four small children, John and I were down to the business at hand. Survival. And with a huge learning curve as we lived day to day, the years ticked away.

Certainly it's not possible it's been 17 years since Caitlin started kindergarten, in a little blue gingham dress, as I watched her confidently walk into her classroom ready for the challenge. I remember waiting outside to see if she would change her mind and want to come home with me, but she never looked back. I know my heart broke a little at the thought of her growing up, but there was no stopping her. And even though I never wanted her to stay a little girl, I miss so much of what my days were like when I had four small children. Gone are the millions of hugs and squeezes and snuggles in my lap, and gone is the ability to scoop them up in my arms and make a hurt go away. First cereal and first steps are a faint memory and "jellies" (the little plastic shoes) have been replaced by business attire. The Berenstain Bears books are in a box in the attic, along with dress up clothes and precious keepsakes made of paper plates and macaroni. Tiny little voices are a whisper in my memories. There were gymnastics and piano recitals and a choir solo depicting bagpipes that I'm not sure Caitlin's over yet. There were hours spent in the backyard practicing pitching as John sat on a bucket catching pitch after pitch after pitch. One day, accidentally I'm sure, Caitlin threw a pitch that got under John's glove and shattered the bucket he was sitting on which caused him to go flying. I'll never forget it as long as I live. I laughed til I cried.

And there's absolutely no way it can be 8 years ago that she started high school and tackled Algebra with her father at the kitchen table. We attended proms and church programs and school programs and what seemed like hundreds of basketball games. We cheered our kids through it all, missing very few events. How is it possible that time has moved so fast when my feet seemed to be standing still? Has it really been four years since our first child graduated from high school and I nervously sent her off to her first day of college? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that the years flew by and this day has come, all grown up and out of my arms. Never out of my heart.

So next week as John and I sit and watch Caitlin cross the stage and become our first child to finish college, it will be very bittersweet. She'll forever be the one to go first. The first to go to school, the first to have surgery, the first to get her driver's license and the first to go out into the world to make a way for herself.

In the past 23 years I've made a lot of mistakes and yet, I know I was born to be a mother. It's the one thing that comes naturally to me. It's my single most important accomplishment, and I wouldn't have chosen anything else. But even so, the heart takes a beating as the years of motherhood wear on and you become a mother of four adults. I'll always be interested in my children's lives. It still matters to me when each one ends their day and wants to tell me all about it. And even after each of them moves out to make a life on their own, and though we may be separated by houses and miles, that will never change.

No one tells you before you have kids your heart will stretch and grow and ache and rejoice with the ebb and flow of your children's lives. But surely it does. I will forever treasure my time of being a mother. Many hours of joy and sorrow and defeat and accomplishment have been weathered in this house. I wish I could change circumstances and loss but the life we've lived is what it is. There are no do overs.

So as I wait for next Saturday to arrive, it feels like it was only yesterday I heard the pitter patter of little feet coming into our room and climbing in our bed to snuggle between John and I. Turns out it was our four children leaving our home to find their way in the world. And with that realization, I feel that ache in my heart one more time.