Dinner at church or better known as we have no food for you!

Yesterday, we had pot luck dinner at our church and it caused quite the controversy with the congregation. Here's how it went. In order to promote, (a better word would be force), people to sit with someone other than family, there was a twist to the day. When we arrived at church we were given a name tag with 2 colors on it. One was to designate where to eat your lunch, and the second where to eat your dessert. The plan was for people to sit and visit as they lunched with church family, and then when it was dessert time, you were to move to another table, to eat with other church family, all the while generating well being amongst people unfamiliar with one another. Now I'd known about this idea for several weeks and knew if I breathed a word of it, all my peeps would bail. So, I was as silent as the grave. Well, when my firstborn found out about it during the actual church service, I immediately received an irate text from her. Shockingly, (note the sarcasm) she was adamantly opposed to the new way of doing things and so we exchanged a few pleasantries, all using scripture references to make our points, and then, she did it anyway. OK, the part about the scriptures isn't true but we did have a text "discussion" about the fact that it wasn't my fault and therefore she needed to get off my back. But it was said as sweet and sugary as possible. I think my exact words were, "Tough it."

When church was over and we finally made it over to the eating venue, it seemed the ripple affect regarding this new found way of lunching was HUGE. Most of the "young folk" were vehemently opposed to this "Christian speed dating" as one guy called it. I of course thought this comment to be hilarious. After I got the Billie set in her place, I went to stand in the food line, which happens to be one of my all time favorite things to do EVER. This type of standing in line is when you get to watch 100 peeps in front of you pick up stuff and touch stuff that you will eventually eat yourself, all the while NOT spreading germs of any kind. It's AWESOME! I had actually planned ahead and brought my homemade chicken spaghetti with the intent of eating our own food even in the public setting. Well, as the "snail trail" slowly moved along, John and I watched as our beloved chicken spaghetti disappeared before our eyes, and I'm not even kidding, with the last spoonful served up on a plate to the person just in front of me! UGH! At that point it became obvious the two of us were gonna get bupkiss for lunch because yesterday seemed to be one of those rare days when our church people were off their game, or forgot, or just plain didn't give a flip about bringing food to satisfy the masses. So John and I walked away with two sad plates each containing a chicken leg, cold corn and a roll. I promise I'm telling the truth. And as I was walking to my blue table, I looked over and discovered Billie sitting at a table with four empty chairs and decided to sneak a seat with her even though her table was gray. My only concern was the "table police" was walking around checking id's and looking sternly at anyone who happened to be disobeying the rules. Well, Billie somehow legitimately ended up at her gray table with three of her own loving grandchildren who were too busy eating untainted food because they were first in line to even notice that the Billie was sitting there foodless. I quickly assessed the situation and selflessly gave her my pitiful chicken leg and cold corn....I'd already eaten the roll, and then snuck into the kitchen after I spied a mother lode of rolls and filled my pockets with four each. I walked out saying to the kitchen people in garbled dinner roll speak, "Yeah people were asking if there were more rolls and so I offered to take them some." This of course was a lie, told at church. Well, technically it was in the church gym, but nonetheless it was an untruth. I then ran back to the food table and snatched the last chicken leg just before an unsuspecting 3 year old was about to grab it, and then I slithered back to the wrong colored table to eat. I sat quietly choking down my chicken leg, because by now the three year old was crying uncontrollably about the "mean lady" who'd swiped her lunch out from under her. I managed to dodge the mother's bullet stare scouring the room for the food thief as I mentally prepared myself for the "dessert round" of the "it's everybody for themselves" eating at church day. I was determined I wasn't gonna get shafted this time.

Now in order to make this day even more ridiculous was the fact the dessert table had been deemed "off limits" to all people until the allowed dessert eating time. But rumor was spreading quickly there was a banana puddin under the food tarps, and I watched as folks cracked knuckles in preparation for the "sprint to the sweets" part of this weird "dinner on the grounds" day at church. As I nervously sat nearby the confections, I continuously eyed the table between bites of my meager chicken leg as well as the wronged three year old's evil stare, making sure no one got ahead of me. But when the announcement was made that dessert eating was now allowed, a FLURRY of church people leapt to their feet, sucker punching anyone who got in their way in order to be first in line. (Sucker punch may be a bit exaggerated because I really don't think I hurt anyone). So, I got my puddin, a meager amount and a cheescake bite, thereby completing the dessert competition. I even managed to double plate it making sure I got something for the Billie June as well, but people were beginning to suspect me as a "double fisted dessert eater" instead of me just looking out for my saintly mother. (I think I just heard angels sing as I typed that.)

When I got back to my gray table, I was supposed to be at a green one, I found a funny guy named Jonathan sitting with us for dessert. Well, Jonathan is ALMOST as funny as me and when I finished drinking my bottle of water, I squeezed it and he said, "Woah, someone's been working out." Which made me almost do a spit take all over him. Then our discussion turned to the fact that when he was given his name tag, he looked at it upside down to see what it said and instead of reading gray, he thought it said Gary, and became concerned that he was gonna be paired at a table with a guy named Gary and have to make small talk for the entire lunch. And with this strange anecdote, my entire bizarro church lunch was complete.

And there you have it. Now in the column of "we've tried one of everything at our church," we can add speed eating, rotating, withholding dessert from people, dinner on the ground extreme idea.....done. Check that box and let's move on.

The lesson learned for me is, the next time we have dinner at church, I'm eatin at Grandy's.