Correcting some things and love notes

I need to clarify something from the post I did last week about feeling like a failure. My mother was somewhat disturbed by it, and after a conversation with her I now know I did a really poor job of expressing what I meant when I said I felt like a failure every day. No one likes to fail, at least I don't know anyone that does, so I think I'm in the majority when I say I hate to fail at anything. But, when I seriously screw up, instead of brushing it off and moving forward, I repeatedly beat myself up about all the things I did wrong or could have done better. And this doesn't just apply to things that happened recently, oh no. I even rethink things that I did wrong way back in the day. I'm talking waaaaayyyyyy back. I won't even say how far I reach back, but it's a fer piece. I've had to pack multi bags to travel back so far.

Now what I really should have said is I don't sit around all day telling myself, "Oh you're such a failure." What I should have said is it's how I deal with my failures that I need to get better at handling. I give myself very little grace. The grace God gives me so freely, I withhold from myself constantly. So the place I'm trying to get to is where I realize that even when I tried my best with what I had at the time....and I still stink it up....it won't be the end of the world and God won't be shaking his head at all I did wrong. So far, in my life, forgiving myself for multiple stupidities is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Right now, I'm amazed at the things God's using to teach me about myself. Things between him and me. Lately, I've pictured myself somewhere or will remember something that happened and I actually say to God, "Do you remember that day?" "Did you see what happened there?" He's slowly and patiently trying to get me to let it go. I'm working on it, but my hurts and failures are on a Rolodex file in my head in chronological order. I whip em out when I have time on my hands.

I know I've written about this before and I'm disappointed that I'm not over it yet, but I'm believing it'll work itself out. In the past, things I've fought so hard to overcome have eventually just melted away without me even realizing it was finished. That part always amazes me. I hear myself telling God, "Fix it, fix it, fix it!!" Then one day.....and I didn't even notice....it's just gone.

One of these days it'll be different.

One of these days failures will brush off of me like I didn't even notice them.

I'll take the lessons learned and never look back.

I look forward to that day.