Crazy looks like this

This past Fall John had a routine colonoscopy. Because his father had colon cancer, I nagged him for over a year....and I'm not even kidding...until finally he made the appointment. So two days before the procedure, we went to the store and gathered the things necessary to help him on his way....if you know what I mean. And when the prep day arrived, it meant he had to stay close to home. If you know what I mean again. Now anyone that's had a colonoscopy will tell you the prep for the procedure is worse than the procedure itself, so needless to say John was a little tense. But due to a sequence of events that my dear daughter Olivia documented in an email, we ended up with a story and a huge laugh about something very silly. And when I say laugh, I mean I laughed until I cried when I read what she wrote about her father and me.

But due to Olivia's secretiveness, I'd never have known about the email if Caitlin hadn't let slip about it. But she did and so here it is for public consumption. On that day, the people at home were John, Owen, Olivia and me. Because Emma and Caitlin were at work, Olivia felt the need to inform them of the storm brewing at our house.

The email was entitled: A tale of the day

So today Dad has to take these stool softeners they bought at Wal Mart last night, but they can't find them in the kitchen anywhere. Dad even went through the trash looking for them but still can't find them. But he did say he found the tortilla soup that we had thrown in the trash last night (oops). So they keep looking everywhere and he's getting snippy so Mom says, "This is ridiculous, I'm just going to go buy more since it was only two dollars." So Mom and I are going to go to Wal Mart but the Vue is behind the suburban so we go in the Vue (this info matters later) and then come back home. After we get home Mom decided to change the blinds in the living room (she bought new ones last night at Wal Mart). So I'm helping her with that but the new one's shorter than the old one. So Dad comes in the living room to look at it, so then I promptly leave the area. Well they're getting that worked out and then I hear Mom say to Dad "Why are you in a bad mood?" And Dad says, "Because I want to find the thieving bastard that came in last night and stole my dolcolax!" (stool softener) So they get the blinds put up and now Mom's moved onto the bathroom to put up the new shower curtain and rod (really about time on that one. I've been thinking it for months) and she's trying to hang it. So she's trying to get the rings on the rod and decides she has to take the end part of the rod off to slide the rings on it. She does this and then is trying to put the end piece back on, but it's not working. So I go in there because I can hear her muttering swear words not so under her breath. I look at the situation, then Dad appears and starts looking at it and promptly pops open one of the shower rings (because, obviously...) and then Mom is all, "Why did you do that? Just to make me look stupid? Because now I feel stupid." And so now he's defending himself and she's more "real mad" than I thought she would be, so I promptly leave the area. SO they've gotten the shower rod up, and Mom and I now have to take the truck to Owen at school since Dad is bathroom bound for the rest of the day. So Mom gets in the suburban to follow me in the truck but first I have to move the Vue. After I move the Vue and I'm walking to the truck Mom says " Last night I bought some cups to take to work and I left the bag in the suburban so I wouldn't forget to take them today. So guess what was in that bag? The stool softeners...." So if we had taken Mom's car to Wal Mart we would've seen them. So now if either of you have any stool issues...

So I drove the truck to school for Owen, and Mom followed me but again I had to move the Vue so Mom could drive her car to work after she brought me home from taking the truck. So I put my purse in the truck then moved the Vue, then drove the truck to Neville, then got in Mom's car. Now we had some free time so we went for a spin but when we got close to home, I realized I had left my purse in the truck. By this time it was 2:45 and Mom needed to go to work, so I said, "Well I can drive the Vue to go get my purse (because Owen was going to Daniel's in the truck after school). But then I realized my Vue key was in my purse in the truck so we started to go back to the school and get my purse out of the truck. But by now we'd used up all our free time and Mom was gonna be late. As we were getting closer to the school, it's now 2:48 and Mom says, "Well we could just get Owen to drop the key off since he has the truck." So she does a u-turn in the middle of the road and takes me home and then goes to work.

The end.

And that my friends is as big a bowl of crazy as you'll ever see. For reals.

And not only was this a doozy to reproduce, just before I was almost ready to hit the publish button, somehow I deleted the entire post. I sat in stunned bewilderment at the sight of my blank page. It was such an ugh moment. But I didn't curse. BUT if you were offended by the curse word in this post, tough it. It is what it is and by gum by golly every now and then, one might fly.

But I'm working on it.

And Jesus knows it.

But right now, if I listen very carefully, I can hear my bed calling my name.

Peace on earth and good will towards men.

Except for the ones I really don't like.

OK, that's not really true.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Even the ones that hate Christmas!

OK NOW I'm done.