When I start writing, I am so very critical of everything I say and how I say it. I begin with a thought and then I try to expound on that thought and eventually I can be somewhat pleased about what I get on paper. BUT after I walk away, and then return, and reread, I completely destroy everything that I had written. I tear the words to shreds and start over and over and over and then eventually put it away never to continue at all.
So tonight I begin by saying this time I will purpose to continue even if I don’t think it's very good and I will try to leave it alone......although I have reread and rewritten this about 40 times already. I want to write about family stories and things God has done for me and and make it something worthwhile having.
How to begin may be the most difficult part but I'm trying to make progress. I have been thinking for years now that everything I wrote was terrible because I didn’t have any anointing for writing and until I did, nothing good would come of it. But now I will write and trust God and ask Him to help me and be patient with me…which He already has been…for years. If I can make something of this just for myself, then who knows what will come next. And I will try to be satisfied…I think. But I know in the deepest part of my heart, where no one is ever invited….it’s rare that I even invite God….what I really want it to be. And so for now I will be disciplined and write something every single day, even if it’s just the day’s date and purpose in my heart to reveal something about myself....maybe even from that deepest part of my heart. Or….more likely I will just ask God to come in for a visit…..just Him and me. And then later I’ll have to decide who I can trust other than Him.
Those heart places are very private and not easily shared with others even if that someone is God. And yes I know He already knows everything that is there but because He is a gentleman, He doesn't tamper with the things that He knows I’m not ready to face. So even though for now I'm thinking I'll only invite Him for a visit, I hope sooner than later He will just know that He's welcome there all the time. And even though I may be a bit afraid, I know it will be OK.
I have a friend that tells me that God won't make us face the hurts that need healing until He knows we are ready. And even then He won't push us to do it but instead waits for us to offer them up to Him. He also knows how difficult some of those things are to fix…..and so He waits on us…..patiently……even if it may be long past the time to face it. And He lets us tell Him, “No I'm not ready,” until one day you know and He knows that it’s time. And no matter how much it may hurt or how afraid you may be, you know that He has to do His work.
I will never reveal all the things that I tell God, because only He is capable of handling all my secrets and hurts. So as I go down this road with God and as He helps me keep my stride, we will see how far I get. I hope I can make it to the other side of whatever I am trying to get through. I may go back to talk about better days or sadder days but I know as I reveal more of myself to Him, somehow....He will make it OK.
Romans 8:31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
2 comments:
God is a gentleman. Love it.
Starting from blog post number one and will put at least one insightful comment on each post. I think I may start a blog. < That was my insight.
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