This is what today is like

It's been 36 days since I saw Carrie's face. Thirty six days since she left. I don't like to use the term, died. I prefer to say she left. Because in my mind, and in my heart, that's what happened. She left us for heaven. She left us for Jesus, Mom, Dad and all the rest who are there enjoying eternity. 

I wonder what they're doing. 

Do they understand how my broken heart can't take that she has gone? Does she understand the void she left in my heart? Does she know how much I miss her? I don't know how to live my life without her here with me. I don't know how to go a day without hearing from her. In my mind, I reach for her and then, I remember she's not here. I have to make the conscious effort to remember I can't talk to her. I can't hear her voice ever again. It's so painful, and yet I have no obvious wound. To the world I look no different than before she left. Broken hearts have no identifying markers.  

But the ache is very real. And the time it will take for the ache to stop is immeasurable. I know it will dissipate, but I don't know when. I don't know if I want to try to be happier, but being miserable won't bring her back. But being happy seems like a betrayal. So I fight the fight of laughing about something and then remembering she isn't here to laugh with me..... 

Loss weighs heavy on people when it hits. The absence of a person, my sister, is so real and heavy to me. There has been a ripping of her presence from my life. The connection of being a part of her and she a part of me, is gone. It just stopped that day. And yet moving on without her seems impossible. How does the future look without her here? I cannot see it. So many things have happened since she left. She would want to know about all of it.  

We shared something different as sisters after everyone left home and it was just the two of us with Mom and Dad. But now I'm the only one who remembers. She has left me here with our memories and I don't know what to do with them. They were ours together, but now just mine.

So as the weeks and months come and go, I can feel the difference her being gone has made in my life. Instead of thinking about a girls' trip to Dallas with anticipation, I feel a sense of dread knowing it will be our first without her. And sadness once again floods my existence. Retraining my mind to include one less person feels terrible to me, because it seems as if I'm forgetting someone instead of remembering she's no longer here. The sting is real and it hurts like hell right now. 

Somehow trying to push through to the better part of life is what I have to do, because I don't like sad. I prefer happy every single time. But happy is in short supply in my life right now. And I'm terrible at pretending about feelings. 

After I finished writing this, I almost deleted it, but then I didn't want to. I want my true feelings to be remembered. And hopefully one day in the future, I'll look back from happier times and see how far I've come from this sad place I'm in today. But happiness feels like a ball and chain I'm dragging around behind me at this moment in time. I know I have to live better than I am now, and it's going to be work to do that.

In the meantime, I'm adding this quote from Billy Graham. It's not news that he has the right idea about eternity with Jesus. But for loved ones left on this side of eternity, missing people hurts so much. 

"Some day you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don't you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I just will have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God."

So I changed it for Carrie....
"Some day you will read or hear that Carrie Walker is dead. Don't you believe a word of it. She is more alive than she was here on earth. She just changed her address. She went into the presence of God."

And while all that is true, I'm still missing you so much today Carrie.

Love you forever and always.

Give Mom and all a kiss from me.