After lots of thinking about it, I decided to attempt to explain what I meant the other day without actually telling all that I'm talking about. These "things" that I discovered are about me and therefore are personal and private....some I've known about myself and have been hoping would fade from my life.......and some I just recently discovered. I'm not happy about any of it. I wish they'd dry up and blow away but so far that hasn't happened.
Self discovery is a long and lonely process. At least it has been for me. It's been ongoing for some time and so far, I'm pretty much hating it. At this moment I could rattle off at least 20 things I don't like about myself, but some of my flaws I've only recently discovered. And so because of this, and because I've talked about my life and struggles here.....and because talking about these newly discovered things with other people "ain't gonna happen" blogging's been mostly difficult. It's felt uninspired because of the battles in my heart and soul.....and that makes me sad. But I've decided after much introspection, to write a little of what I've been going through. But I warn you, it's not a discussion. It's my battle and how I'm trying to get through it. No words from any human being will fix it. Only God can get me to the good part. I'm still hoping there is a good part.
Here's my story....
I don't know anyone who doesn't have some kind of dream they'd love to see fulfilled. It's just fun to imagine what life would be like.....if only. But after living through the last years, all my secret dreams are dead. I don't even wonder anymore if I'll ever see them come true. It hurts to know that.
Here are some of mine.
At least before July of 1998, I've been on a quest to get closer to God. I've wanted the deeper things He has to offer like, amazing faith, prophecy, seeing into a spiritual realm as if it were every day life, praying amazing faith filled prayers and then watching them come to life. In the past, I've experienced each of these things. It was awesome, exciting, exhilarating......all of the good adjectives. During this same time I began to read books about breaking curses in my family's bloodline and breaking future curses and generally paving the way for a life full of rainbows and flowers. HA. I examined as many things in my history as I could, believing I was plugging as many holes in the dam of my life as possible. I thought the rainbows were just around about a million different corners....day after day....year after year after year. I can't tell you how many corners I hopefully looked around. I kept journals and notes and thought I was doing it all correctly. I was striving for Jesus and working towards a goal. All the while waiting for the big bang, and completely convinced God was going to reward me for my faithfulness.
During the years after my kids were born, one of my very real dreams for their lives was for each of them to reach adulthood with as many happy and wonderful memories and as few heartaches as possible. As a young and naive parent, I KNEW it was possible. And even though during the early years of my kids' lives when I could control their environment, and at the same time arrogantly thinking that I myself would never cause them heartache (pu sha), I never saw death coming. Not at all.
So when my brother Frank and his 9 year old daughter Nina died in a car accident on July 17, 1998, all 6 of my little family had a full body slam of heartache, sadness and unspeakable fear. Now, I'm not saying that Caitlin who was 8, Emma 6, Olivia 5 and Owen 3 years old understood all that happened that July, but after the tragedy, I changed. And now their mother, father, as well as an extended family, were crushed, broken and going through the motions of life for a full year, and even longer. And a new real fear was now running rampant through my thoughts...how to successfully get my kids to adulthood and beyond to a beautiful, wonderful, long lived life. It was my obsession to discover how to keep them protected at all times. I hoped I could. A friend of mine gave me a book that taught about pleading the blood of Jesus over everyone and everything. It's important to do that and I still believe it works. Reading that book changed my life. I learned the only way my kids could survive was by pleading the blood of Jesus and trusting God. But after the wreck and at their young ages, the four of them had already experienced more heartache and loss than I had in my 37 years. And then I understood that my plan of children with undamaged hearts was an impossible dream to achieve. And I was crushed. Then eventually I realized if I could raise these kids completely happy and whole, with no worries at all, they wouldn't need a savior. God would just be an unnecessary someone to them. I was overwhelmed with this knowledge and even though my heart understood, I also realized that my kids would experience hurt, frustration and disappointment and I would have to stand by and watch it happen. It was a terrible moment for me. And with that understanding, one of my most important dreams died.
This next story isn't as much of a dream of mine but instead something else all together. Let me explain. Many years ago a man came to our church and prophesied to John and I that we would have plenty of money and would use it to further the gospel in the world. Since that time, nothing's been further from that prophecy. In fact, in the last five years John and I have felt first hand what it's like to be failures in business, and it's been completely awful. It seems impossible to hide from failure...at least for the two of us. But a couple of years ago just as we thought we were coming to the end of this terrible time, I remember saying to John, "I think the worst is behind us." And the very next week our little stray pup Dottie began to get sick and in less than 2 weeks, she was dead. All 6 of us were inconsolable. And at that point, it seemed no aspect of our lives was protected or untouchable. And again in my soul I felt lost and grieved. And I began to feel like I couldn't dare to dream anymore.
Whether you choose to give up something for the greater good or it's taken from you, it breaks the heart nonetheless. Losing something that was promised to me has made me feel lost and set adrift, like a separate entity from anyone else. And I've felt as if I was being punished. In my case, by now, I would think my heart almost irreparable.
But even after all that's happened in these past years, I still know that I want to experience God's love, unending and limitless. But so far what I've experienced instead has been a continuous roller coaster ride of self doubt and unworthiness on a very intense level. And it seems the harder I try to achieve it, the farther from my grasp it has become. I feel a million miles apart from God. And it hurts my soul. But I'm still trying my best to trust and understand and hope this is just a process I moving through to get to the good stuff. I know He's not the one changing...it's Him changing me, but it hurts like hell. Then, just in the last month I found myself in situations where I saw some very....for lack of a better word.....stinky things about me and I was extremely disappointed in myself and surprised at what I saw. It knocked me down again.
But even after everything that's happened, here's what I know for sure. I know I am an unmistakable creation of God. I just don't see it. I know God's grace is sufficient for me. I just don't experience it. I know God's unconditional love is for me. I just don't feel it. And I know God's mercy is there for the taking. I just don't receive it. I'm still adrift....waiting and searching. But cautiously hoping. Hope is no longer a word I use flippantly.
And then after talking some of this out with a friend, she wrote this to me...."I think you're in the place that is referred to as "the dark night of the soul". It's main characteristic is that you go through it alone, no matter how many people are around you physically. No one is there, no one gets it, no one can fix it, God seems very far away and unconcerned and there is no way out. People who have been there don't try to fix it. People who haven't been there don't have a clue. Joy and 'life' could do a full body slam on you and you'd never feel a thing. But there are things forged in us while we are in that place that would not be possible any other way. You don't get it until you've been there, and you can't explain it when you're out. Because you are the only one who goes through your dark night. Gethsemane."
And that's exactly how I feel.
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