Monday, June 18, 2018

My beginning series about Corsicana...first is Mary Margaret Walker

Our Memorial Day weekend was unlike any other we have ever spent together. Our family gathered in Corsicana to say our final goodbyes to Mom and Carrie. It had been 2 1/2 years since we had all been in Corsicana together. 

Corsicana is where it all began for our family. That's where our parents grew up, met and fell in love. They married June 30, 1949 and almost stayed to live and raise a family there, but then it all changed and they moved to Louisiana to make a life together. But we have strong roots in Corsicana. It will always be a part of us. We've had the privilege of knowing and being related to wonderful people who lived and grew up there. I've had the most enjoyable times of my life in that quaint little town. Lately my mind has been full of memories from the times I spent there. 

I remember....

Riding around on bumpy brick streets in big, stout, cars that are now considered classics. Walking on brick sidewalks to Mr. Harris's grocery store that had wood plank floors and a screen door that slammed just right. We would buy gum and comic books and he would put them in a brown paper sack and we would walk home reading and chewing. After we'd walked the two blocks back to my aunt Mollie's house, we would go up to the "sleeping porch" as they called it and turn the window air conditioner down as cold as it would go, snuggle under the crisp white sheets and read our new comic books under the covers. Richie Rich, Archie Arch, Wendy the Good Witch and Casper the Friendly Ghost were some of our favorites. 

I remember my Aunt Mollie's pink gingham dress, my personal favorite. It cinched at her tiny waist with a belt and it smelled divine because it smelled like her. I remember an attic full of treasures that contained trunks and trunks full of World War 2 uniforms, a memorial American flag, clothes and jewelry and hats and wallets and old eye glasses. Much of the discovered treasures had been stylishly worn by some of our ancestors. And it was there that we began to learn about our family that had long passed before we found their belongings in the attic. 

We would ask our aunt Mollie so many questions about family members we only knew through photographs. She would tell us stories about James Gibson and Margaret Jane and Owen Lynch and Joseph Garvin and farms and old dirt roads and riding in wagons and trains. She was the oldest of six children and I would try to imagine what it was like when she was growing up. 

I thought they were these beautiful, glamorous people, because so many of their pictures depicted them in beautiful clothes and coats. But in reality Mollie had gone to business school to become a bookkeeper and she lived through the depression as well as the death of two brothers, three brothers going to war, car wreck deaths, grandparents as well as her own parents deaths. It was probably just like what life is....hard, terrible, wonderful, exciting and disappointing. Not so glamorous.  

But her faith was always apparent to us. She was born and raised Catholic and before bed at night, and after she had put her hair net on and applied her heavenly smelling hand lotion, she would gather us around to say some amount of the rosary before we snugged up in our beds for the night.

She lived in the family home by herself for a lot of years, and she had to be the bravest woman I ever met because of it. I remember being so afraid of that big, clapboard sided, two story house on 212 N 18th Street. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. When I was little I thought that someone or something was lurking somewhere in the house just waiting to get me. In fact I was convinced of it. I was also wrongly convinced that multiple people had died in the house. THEY were the ones I was mostly concerned about. They were the ones I was always keeping my eye out for. Turns out no one died there. 

But one time when looking in attic trunks, I saw a man all laid out in a casket surrounded by lots of flowers. Well the closer I looked, the more I realized and recognized that he was lying in state in the living room of 212! Gad freaking zooks. Someone call the police, because that man was coming for me. That man, was my great grandfather, and to this day he has yet to show up to get me. MAYBE I was over the top about some things when I was young.  

If I could go back and tell my 10 year old self something it would be, "There are no dead people who are going to pop out and snatch you into the depths of darkness and you will survive every single night you sleep at 212. Please enjoy it more and be less afraid of everything."

On this side of adulthood, my fright seems so silly. But back then it was so real, and even though Mollie was very patient with me about my fears, surely she must have wanted to smack me a little. But I never knew if she did. She was as close to a perfect human being as you could find. Sweet and kind, small and demurring. She was always bespectacled in old fashioned wire rimmed glasses and never raised her voice. If she had a bad thought about something or someone, she never expressed it. The only person who could get her a little riled up was her darling baby brother, my father. But even then she would be laughing at him in spite of his causing her frustration. 

I remember one day that she and I were going to bake a chocolate cake, and we did. But we didn't put either baking powder or soda in it and it came out heavy and dense and it was a disaster. She felt terrible about it. She never thought she was a very good cook, but she made the best meatballs and spaghetti, and that big old house smelled the better for it when she made it. 

Even after all these years since I was in that house with my beloved aunt, I could walk every step of it with my eyes closed. It was a grand house to visit, with rooms galore to explore and play in all day. Mollie's mother Maggie had built it to use as a rooming house after her husband died. So Mollie lived there with her mother and her five siblings, as well as strangers so that the family could make money. And I loved that house so much, even though I was scared of it. I still hate that it's no longer ours, but even if it's not still in the family, it's a part of us and our family history.

Mary Margaret Walker, Mollie, was the eldest member of our family when she passed away in June of 1991. She never married and never had her own kids, but with her soft spoken manner and her love of family, she made a tremendous impact on her nieces and nephews. She was the most precious, old fashioned lady and I loved her with all my heart. 

We all did. 




She is one of the best things about our family history.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Some of our DC trip

I'm back from a short respite from blogging. I'm gonna be honest though, I don't know how often I'll be here. Right now I'm working on....nothing. I'm not sure what I want to write about and since that's the main thing here, it's a problem. 

But here's what's on my mind today. 

There are many moving parts to my family right now. One of our kids is planning a move to Mississippi with a PhD being the goal and then one moving back from Texas, with financial services jobs not the goal. And I have a terrible summer cold and I feel miserable. I feel sorry for myself. 

On Saturday my summer cold and I went with John and Owen to Mississippi to apartment hunt and get acquainted with the city. We made progress on both those fronts. Before the fact finding mission we knew nothing about Mississippi. Now we know 2%. We saw some lovely spots around town and some not so lovely spots. All in all it's pretty standard fare for an American city. 

Owen will be moving in less than two months and I think he'll be a very busy guy in the next few years. I'm not sure how often we'll see him, but growing up is the better part of life, so I'll take it and learn to enjoy his coming home to see us. 

Since he's leaving, and since he and I have never taken a trip with just the two of us, after graduation last month he and I flew to DC for a few days to see the sights and spend some time together. 

When we planned this trip a couple of months ago we had no idea that every single grade schooler in the United States of America was also planning a trip to DC. But by golly they did and I feel like we met each and every one of them during our stay. They met us right there in the metroplex. I don't even know if DC is a metroplex and I don't care enough to look it up, but it feels like it SHOULD be a metroplex. 

Even though it rained every day while we were there, and Owen refused my offer of a tea party or a view of the White House china, we had a lovely time. It was definitely not a girlie trip. But we had so much fun and I saw stuff I would not have chosen to see on my own. As far as I could tell, the millions of American grade schoolers had a lovely time as well. However, in case you did not know, grade schoolers have absolutely no self awareness of any kind, they rarely use their inside voices and they never know or feel like they are ever near other people. I know this, because I vacationed with all of them. ALL of them. 

At the top of Owen's list of places to go was the Holocaust Museum and let me just say it was not mine. But he had command of the choices and so we went our first afternoon. While Emma was at work, he and I went to the museum but it was just before closing. We walked through the bottom two floors quickly and because it was near the end of the day, we left after about an hour. That evening at dinner with Emma, I commented on how little there was to see. She looked stunned and said, "Did you see the shoes?" Me, "No." "Did you see the photos?" "No." Did you get a passport and go up to the top floor and work your way down?" "No." "Yeah you have to go back because you saw nothing."  

So the next morning we went back and stood with our fellow students in the rain while waiting for the Holocaust Museum to open. We had a moment with a kid from New Jersey who ended up under Owen's umbrella, because apparently when kids from New Jersey see an opportunity, they take it. But he was nice and then finally we made it inside. We found our passports, began at the top floor like we were supposed to, and began our sobering journey into the stories of people who lived the horror of the holocaust. Because the dead can't speak for themselves.  

To be honest I thought I'd never go see this exhibit for fear of it being too much to take, but I'm glad I did. And what struck me was there were so many people there touring the place, but no one was speaking except in hushed tones. There was a stark reverence that people respected and the memory of that has stayed with me.

I saw the shoes.....

I love photos of all kinds, but taking pictures there just didn't seem right. It felt too touristy and wrong. So I didn't take a photo of the shoes. But I'll always remember the huge piles on display. This was the first time I'd ever been in close proximity of items from the Holocaust. It was overwhelming to see. And the stories? Gut wrenching. At some point it all becomes too much for a human to take in, because how can people be so evil? 

We found the walls of photos Emma told us about. And there in the midst of all of the terrible stories, I had to stop and stare into the eyes of those I didn't know. 

But somehow, they seemed familiar to me.



They were parents, grandparents, children....all families who belonged to someone and they all lived in one small town in Lithuania. Eishyshok was a place where almost 4000 Jews had lived for nearly 900 years. Almost all of them were murdered because they were Jews. Only 29 people survived the massacre. 






One of the survivors, Yaffa Eliach, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and so many years collecting photographs of the people who lived in Eishyshok. She wanted people to see the faces of those who had once lived there. And because of her work, so became this massive three story wall of people from the past who didn't deserve to die. 


While standing there, I realized that my family has pictures very much like the ones of the victims of Eishyshok. Beautiful, old photographs of people who I never met, but I'm connected to by birth and blood. It was a stark reminder that we are all very similar as human beings. And many of us try to hold to our connection of family from the past.  


I can't imagine how the 29 survivors managed to live through the horror they experienced and tell their story...and the story of the death of their loved ones. History is so important to remember and learn from. 

I'm glad Owen and I went back that second day to see the entire exhibit. It's something I'll always remember. I don't think I have adequate words to describe my tiny experience of seeing the Holocaust Museum, so I'll stop right here.

If you've never been to see it and you have the chance to go, you should. And give at least four hours to spend there. It's worth it, and the people whose faces stare at the passersby deserve it. 

Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel said, "To forget the dead would be akin to killing them again."

We must never forget. 



Thursday, May 24, 2018

Happy birthday to my darling Mother

Many times I've written something about my Mom. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me. I wanted her to know how proud I was to call her my mother. I wanted her to know that all of our family thought she was the best of all God could have given us. I wanted her to know that we were all aware of how hard she worked to make things wonderful for us, even when it wasn't. I wanted her to know we loved her beyond measure and that we would do anything for her. 

I wanted her to see, through my eyes, who she was to me. This fun, fun-loving, sweet, loving, generous, beautiful human being that I had the pleasure and privilege of calling Mom. 

She and I spent many afternoons talking about everything and nothing. It was always time well spent. My afternoon talks with Mom....sharing stories and gaining her wisdom as we sat together. 

I've written many things I'm grateful for about her. But what I'm mostly grateful for today is that I said them to her. I wrote them to her. She knew how much she meant to me...to all of us. Because we told her. She was this wonderful, beautiful woman, and she was ours. Ours to treasure. Ours to honor. And we did. And she knew it. 

I miss her so much today I just can't express it. 

Today is her 91st birthday, and our first without her here with us to celebrate. 

This is a repost from a few years back, with some of my favorite pictures.


Lord how thankful I am that Billie June Etheredge Walker was mine. 



From 2016...
On May 24th my mother, Billie Walker, will be 89 years old and we will celebrate. We will celebrate a life lived through good times and bad, through love and loss. Of all the people I've known in my life, my mom has been the most consistent person I've ever met. She's been loving, serving, generous, pleasant, encouraging, fun loving and magnetic. Her magnetism has forever drawn people to her by her amazing ability to love no matter what. It's a God given gift and she's used it well. All in all I'd say God's best work was accomplished in her. 
She has always conducted her life with grace and trust and faith in God. And by doing so, she showed the rest of her family that no matter what may come, we are to never stop trusting God. She's faithfully prayed for all of us every day of our lives and I know God hears every one of her prayers. She is a mother who has trusted God faithfully, served her family unfailingly, and in turn earned the love and respect of those blessed enough to call her mother, grandmother or great grandmother. I’m reminded every day that I’ve had the pleasure and honor of watching and learning from the best. 

We all love you more than we could ever express.








How wonderful she was.

Happy birthday Mom.

Miss you so much.

Love you forever and always.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Leaving town and a graduation is coming

Later today I'm leaving for my favorite place in the whole world. It's where the bluebonnets are blooming. 

I can't wait to get to Corsicana and take a breath where peace is built into the fabric of the land. The peace I feel there is like no other place I've ever been.  


There's been so much sadness in our family in the last few months. And because of that, Owen's final days of college has sort of snuck up on me.

In a couple of weeks Owen will graduate from college and with that, so ends the official schooling of our four kids. Even though Owen has one more graduation in his future after this one, this phase of our lives is ending for John and me. And I can't believe it. This baby boy, the youngest of his generation in our family, is moving on to make his life in the world. Only he's not a baby, he's all grown up. This grown man who is my son will be living somewhere else and I can't imagine not seeing his face around the house every day. 

But he will be off for a new challenge of becoming a PhD, and thankfully not too far away. I'll never forget the day Owen was born and the anticipation of getting another girl. I was so convinced he was a girl, so when the doctor told us, "It's a boy," I asked John, "Really, what is it?" And he said, "I think it's a boy." It still makes me smile that John said, I think.... 

We brought our surprise baby boy home and he was surrounded by three older sisters who loved him fiercely. He managed to fit right into this household, so fully ensconced in pink everything. I'm so glad this tenderhearted guy who never meets a stranger is my son. He is the perfect last child for us. 

From his early love of baseball to his intense drive to achieve the best grades he could, he has been something to watch grow up. He will forever be the little boy who figured out how to cheat at Backyard Baseball and the one who loved to play baseball even before he could hold a glove correctly. And the day he walked away from baseball in high school was the day my heart broke a little about it. This first love of his was over and I remember a sense of sadness in him about it. But he took it in stride and then turned his focus to huge academic achievements. And before I knew it, he had graduated from high school at the top of his class as a valedictorian. It happened in a flash.

From boyhood to manhood took 12 seconds. Other things I remember from his little boy years...shaving off his eyebrows almost completely, salted biscuits...we still don't know why.... hidden pepper flakes in the spaghetti....that didn't take long for us to figure out. He was the little mascot of his sister's softball teams and he flirted with all the girls. 

He was too cute to resist. 




My mother's heart is overwhelmed with the fact that it's almost over. I don't want to go back, but the future is going to be so different for me as a Mom. I'm not altogether sad about it, but it's going to take an adjustment for me to be in this new place. I have no idea what it will look like. 


I'm so proud of all that Owen has achieved and I know his determination will help him become whatever he chooses. All four of our kids have courage and a strength of character to achieve the things they set their sights on. And the things they have tackled have been as varied as the four people I birthed. I love them more than I could ever express and I couldn't be prouder of each one of them.

This ULM graduation will be the end of an era in our family. As with much of what we do, our family will be there en masse to support Owen. But when he walks across that stage on May 12th, two people will be missing. It will be the first graduation Mom has missed in my kid's lives. Owen had dogged her for years about being there. He insisted. But for some reason, it was one thing she never promised him. And that wasn't like her. 

But it won't be the same without her and Carrie. I am forever grateful that he was loved by both of them.  


Things are about to change again, and I wish so much that Mom was here, because she would understand it and tell me it was going to be OK. She knew it, because she lived it. 

I think because we have loved so much, it makes the heartache bigger when we lose. The life we have lived together as a family is worth this feeling of loss. It just takes time for our hearts to learn to live without their presence.   

Lord have mercy I want them to still be here happy and healthy. But here we are, and here we go with this among many events celebrating without them. 

They would be so proud of you Owen.

What a life we have shared together. 

Love you all forever and always. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

For us, sunsets are to be remembered

Somewhere....on the other side of this sunset....somewhere in heaven....there is a host of loved ones I'm missing so much. 










Our whole family has always appreciated a lovely sunset. And no matter where I am in the world, I'm hoping for the loveliest one yet to be seen. 

In the evenings Big Frank could almost always be found on the golf course hitting golf balls and watching the sunset. He must have passed his love for it to all of us, because I think we all watch for them. For years we have shared pictures with each other of the good ones we have seen. 

It's hard to find a good place in town to watch a sunset. But lately I've found myself becoming better acquainted with the countryside near Rayville, and so far I'm loving what I'm seeing.

It feels like the skies are bigger out there.   
It comforts my heart to see a lovely evening sky in the country. 

I'll finish with some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head...

I've pretty much shut down communication with God since Carrie left. And I don't expect he will be explaining himself to me anytime soon. Or ever. But there is too much I don't understand. And yet I don't really want explanations from him. I just want to know all is well, even though it's not. 

The other day I realized that the Carrie I'm missing is the Carrie who lived here on earth. The one who was sick and unable to stay with us. The heavenly Carrie is someone I don't even know. But I bet she still watches the sunsets. Only now she has the most perfect view. And no worries.

I cancelled her cell phone service yesterday, a number she'd had for at least twenty five years. It might seem to some to be no big deal, except that it was. That simple act made me remember there is so much more work to do going forward. I have to find a way to trust God with my brokenness, because only he can fix this shattered mess of a heart that is mine right now. 

Then this scripture came to my mind. Wonder who put it there...

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are never destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

The pressing on all sides in the last days and weeks has been intense. And it FEELS like I've been abandoned, struck down and crushed. 

But then this one has come to my mind as well. Someone is trying to help me...

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4

Maybe what we will be left with after all the mess of life will be Jesus and sunsets.

Love you forever and always Carrie.