September 15, 2009
Halfway through the fast and sadly my headache has remained with me today and although I still would love to eat cardboard right now, I think I can see just the tiniest bit of light at the end of the fasting tunnel.
It’s raining again and although that does not affect my eating, it’s not good if you have dogs because they get cabin fever just like little children. Because it has rained so much, we have a towel by the back door for them to wipe their feet on but they don’t really get the premise of the towel. They walk right over it without even scruffing their feet on it and then one of them will grab the towel and then they, Addy and Dottie, play a very loud tug of war until I yell Addy’s name VERY LOUDLY and she stops and looks at me like, “What’d I do?” Pretty much the same reaction my kids would give me when they were little and what am I even saying they STILL do that. Having dogs and little children are very similar in many ways.
Emma just blew in for a sec between school and work and had half a dozen stories to tell about college life. When she and Caitlin tell me their school stories, whether they realize it or not, they reveal more of the character that's coming forth in each of them and I have to say almost all of the time I'm pleased. They want to do well in their classes and they have a really good work ethic. I'm so glad they are taking responsibility for their lives and even though some days I’m a little sad that my babies are grown up, I really like the people they're becoming.
My responsibility to educate my last two kids remains and then that part of my job of raising children will be complete. I hope. I really never realized that when I had children, I would be re-entering school and the workload would be greater and more important to me this time. But once again I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not planning on being involved in my grandchildren’s education. I hope my kids realize that.
I'm working on perfect peace this week during my fast even though fasting and peace almost seem like an oxymoron. I have yet to attain fully that goal to which I aspire but I want to live in perfect peace as much as I can. I want to have a confidence in God like I never have. Unfortunately, sometimes each day holds a new challenge for me and I have to fight to get peace but I'm still working to get there. Please God help me get the peace I want. Remind me to be fearless because you live in me. I know I've said that before but I'm trying to beat it into my brain.
All have gone to bed except Owen, Olivia and I and all the dogs have taken up their sleeping positions on the furniture. They have a tough life. It occurs to me that I've lost some of the thunder I used to have.
Tomorrow holds another mystery that has yet to unfold. And there once again I'm searching for the peace that has eluded me but I'll conquer fear in Jesus name. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Maybe tonight as I sleep God will take all the fear and replace it with something wonderful. I'll believe that’s what will happen and as I lay my head on my pillow, I'll remember how faithful God has been to me and my family no matter how hard life has gotten or how much we've lost. But that's a story for another day and I know it’s not time to tell that one yet.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mom, Billie June, BJ, Billie Bess, Gmaw, Grandma.......
Proverbs 31:28-31
28 Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her 29 There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all! 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. 31 Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
Quiet time?
September 14, 2009
We started our fast yesterday after lunch and I never realize how important chewing is until I don’t do it for many hours together. I’ll survive this fast, but I think if I could chew my day would have more meaning. It’s the little things in life that make it wonderful and today chewing went up about 100 notches on my bucket list……but on to more intelligent subjects.
If I am still and quiet will God speak to me? I’m usually running from quiet time but today I decided to try it again. So at 1:57 PM I told myself I was gonna be still and quiet for 10 minutes. By 1:59 I decided I should maybe have some worship music on…..quiet time I know, but its worship music. Anyway I went to YouTube and looked for the new song we sang yesterday at church and listened to it and it was great, but then there was this tag over to the side that said Moving Forward song story and I thought hmmmm that looks interesting so I decided to watch that and before I knew it, it was 2:22. WHAT? OK starting over I’ve already technically completed 2 minutes so I will now sit here for 8 minutes and make myself be still…..OK starting…….NOW. Eyes closed, sitting still for AT LEAST a full minute, then I leaned over and put my left hand over my left eye, sort of resting on it. Hmmm I wonder what it will look like if I just open my right eye while my left eye is closed….....OK that was not so interesting and didn’t take up much time either. But looking outside the sun is shining. I thought it was supposed to rain? And was that dog hair that just flew by in the air? Wait a minute…..what time is it? Two twenty-five? How can only three minutes have passed since I started my second quiet time? Quiet! I’ve only got 5 minutes left. I’m just a tiny bit sleepy. God can you hear me? I may have dosed off for a second. How is it conceivably possible that it is only 2:29? Quiet time moves so much slower than talking and chewing time. Seems like I could have taken a short trip in that long quiet time……sigh……next look at the clock……2:31! Score! I made it 11 minutes! It took 34 minutes to get 11 minutes of quiet time. Did not hear a thing from God…..pretty sure I was completely focused and ready to receive. He must be trying to have quiet time.
Later that same day……..I have a headache and I have no hope of ever eating again. Juice and chocolate milk will not sustain me. I know that in my heart. Does it really make sense to fast? Did we think this through? Maybe fasting is one of those decisions that you need to talk about over a series of supper meetings. I’m just not sure of the logic in fasting. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, I have been to the bathroom 5,000 times today and I’m pretty sure if I sneak an almond m and m no one will ever know. I can see the cabinet that houses the m and m’s but John is across the room and there could be a crunching sound problem. So instead I just went and brushed my teeth and actually thought about talking a big glob of toothpaste in for a snack. Desperate days call for desperate measures.
One more full day to go and then part of another day till some kind of food will pass my lips. Looking back at when I joined my church, I’m thinking I maybe should have checked the by-laws or something and found out if fasting was in the rules. It may have been a deal breaker for me. I mean is it even legal? Our dogs are eating and they don’t even seem to be the least bit concerned about the rest of us. I think that’s pretty selfish. I wonder if dog biscuits count as food for humans? Maybe I have found a technicality. They sound so delicious when they are crunched.
Sigh, it is 11:53 PM and the first day is over. More quality quiet time tomorrow, but right now my thoughts are liquid. I’m certain that without some sort of solid food, all of this could be hazardous to my health. How divine a cracker might be, just a lovely little saltine...plain and dry. It would be as if I was sitting down to Thanksgiving turkey. It's occurred to me that it’s possible I’m not thinking rationally. Food makes everything so much clearer. And surely chewing is a form of exercise. Ahhhhh chewing….it is occurring to me that I may need to change the subject. Olivia was just telling me about a cheesecake she had to cut for someone today, but that didn’t really change the subject.
Now thinking of Dallas and that glorious place called The Cheesecake Factory where cheesecake grows on trees. If I left right now I would get there by 5:00 AM ish. I wonder if they open for people with a cheesecake emergency……
James 1:6&7
6But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
7Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
We started our fast yesterday after lunch and I never realize how important chewing is until I don’t do it for many hours together. I’ll survive this fast, but I think if I could chew my day would have more meaning. It’s the little things in life that make it wonderful and today chewing went up about 100 notches on my bucket list……but on to more intelligent subjects.
If I am still and quiet will God speak to me? I’m usually running from quiet time but today I decided to try it again. So at 1:57 PM I told myself I was gonna be still and quiet for 10 minutes. By 1:59 I decided I should maybe have some worship music on…..quiet time I know, but its worship music. Anyway I went to YouTube and looked for the new song we sang yesterday at church and listened to it and it was great, but then there was this tag over to the side that said Moving Forward song story and I thought hmmmm that looks interesting so I decided to watch that and before I knew it, it was 2:22. WHAT? OK starting over I’ve already technically completed 2 minutes so I will now sit here for 8 minutes and make myself be still…..OK starting…….NOW. Eyes closed, sitting still for AT LEAST a full minute, then I leaned over and put my left hand over my left eye, sort of resting on it. Hmmm I wonder what it will look like if I just open my right eye while my left eye is closed….....OK that was not so interesting and didn’t take up much time either. But looking outside the sun is shining. I thought it was supposed to rain? And was that dog hair that just flew by in the air? Wait a minute…..what time is it? Two twenty-five? How can only three minutes have passed since I started my second quiet time? Quiet! I’ve only got 5 minutes left. I’m just a tiny bit sleepy. God can you hear me? I may have dosed off for a second. How is it conceivably possible that it is only 2:29? Quiet time moves so much slower than talking and chewing time. Seems like I could have taken a short trip in that long quiet time……sigh……next look at the clock……2:31! Score! I made it 11 minutes! It took 34 minutes to get 11 minutes of quiet time. Did not hear a thing from God…..pretty sure I was completely focused and ready to receive. He must be trying to have quiet time.
Later that same day……..I have a headache and I have no hope of ever eating again. Juice and chocolate milk will not sustain me. I know that in my heart. Does it really make sense to fast? Did we think this through? Maybe fasting is one of those decisions that you need to talk about over a series of supper meetings. I’m just not sure of the logic in fasting. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, I have been to the bathroom 5,000 times today and I’m pretty sure if I sneak an almond m and m no one will ever know. I can see the cabinet that houses the m and m’s but John is across the room and there could be a crunching sound problem. So instead I just went and brushed my teeth and actually thought about talking a big glob of toothpaste in for a snack. Desperate days call for desperate measures.
One more full day to go and then part of another day till some kind of food will pass my lips. Looking back at when I joined my church, I’m thinking I maybe should have checked the by-laws or something and found out if fasting was in the rules. It may have been a deal breaker for me. I mean is it even legal? Our dogs are eating and they don’t even seem to be the least bit concerned about the rest of us. I think that’s pretty selfish. I wonder if dog biscuits count as food for humans? Maybe I have found a technicality. They sound so delicious when they are crunched.
Sigh, it is 11:53 PM and the first day is over. More quality quiet time tomorrow, but right now my thoughts are liquid. I’m certain that without some sort of solid food, all of this could be hazardous to my health. How divine a cracker might be, just a lovely little saltine...plain and dry. It would be as if I was sitting down to Thanksgiving turkey. It's occurred to me that it’s possible I’m not thinking rationally. Food makes everything so much clearer. And surely chewing is a form of exercise. Ahhhhh chewing….it is occurring to me that I may need to change the subject. Olivia was just telling me about a cheesecake she had to cut for someone today, but that didn’t really change the subject.
Now thinking of Dallas and that glorious place called The Cheesecake Factory where cheesecake grows on trees. If I left right now I would get there by 5:00 AM ish. I wonder if they open for people with a cheesecake emergency……
James 1:6&7
6But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
7Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
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