Getting ready again

Well the moment has arrived again. This coming Saturday morning our second daughter will graduate from college. And even though I'm more prepared this time, it's still a shock to my system. And with Owen's 18th birthday looming in the very near future, my home is officially full of adults. No babies here except for the occasional visitor. Most certainly the curly, blonde, little girl Emma is long gone. She's been replaced by a grown woman full of experiences, confidence and ready to find her place in the world. But with each graduation it causes me to look back, to remember what was, and how much I loved it. 

When Emma was born, she beat the doctor to the delivery room, and so the nurse delivered her. Into the world she came, making Caitlin a big sister, and John and I were thrilled with two little girls. But the first few months of Emma's life she cried A LOT. Some days we cried together as I tried every trick in the book to figure out why she was crying....but to no avail. I remember one time putting her in her bed because I had to have a break and a moment. But in that "moment" Caitlin, all of 2 years old, decided to go check on her baby sister. And I'll never forget, as I was sitting in the den, hearing Caitlin declare, "She's heavy!" And I gasped to the point of nearly swallowing my goozle, when I looked down the hall and saw Caitlin with Emma in her grip, waddling down the hall with little sister in her arms. I scrambled down the hall rushing to scoop Emma up before Caitlin dropped her. I didn't even want to think about how she dragged her out of the baby bed, over the side,  face smooshed and limbs yanked. OY. But somehow she survived. And then magically, thank the Lord, around 3 months, her crying stopped. And we were all happy about it.

When Emma was only 14 months old, Olivia joined the family and over the next years we bought lots of pink stuff and play kitchens and dress up clothes and sparkly heels. They loved making elaborate homemade Barbie apartments out of VHS tapes and washrags. Day in and day out the three lived the little girl life, but with Owen's arrival we discovered the color blue fit in just fine. Then our focus shifted to softball bats and gloves and we became ballpark people. And I loved the life of being with my kids. There's nothing I'd trade for it. And when I sit down to write about graduation I really don't want to make it about me, but the only way I can do it is through my mother eyes. And even though my mothering years are waning, and even though it's really OK, some days my heart can barely take it. But it isn't because I want my kids to be little again. I don't. I really like who they are now....and who they are still becoming. But I'm afraid of miles and responsibilities that may take them away from my small circle. And even though it may hurt, I know I'll survive. 

I couldn't be prouder of the accomplishments each of them has achieved, but I want to list some of Emma's here. The girl is a beast at doing a 1000 piece puzzle, to the point we won't let her do one with us! She loves to read and has a list of every book she's ever read. She DID NOT get her love of book reading from me. Her method of checking the weather before outfitting is to walk to the back door, open it and quickly throw out an arm to determine clothing choices due to the temperature. She just did it two seconds ago, and it continues to amuse me. She received 5 scholarships while at ULM and for three years she worked in the president's office and then worked as the freestyle editor of the school newspaper. Her last semester, she was the editor in chief of the paper. She won a first place award for freestyle editing, and she's interviewed vice presidents at the college and covered serious stories about serious subjects. For me, it was always fun for her to be in the know about breaking news on campus, because she always filled me in when she could! I've watched her grow up and out and become capable of tackling anything. And yet because of that, anything could take her far away. And as a Mom I'm reminded my next job is to let go gracefully but at the same time, keep a tie that binds. 

With each of my college kids' there came a time when they stopped asking for my help and began relying on their own talents. I always recognized it when it happened. It always came sometime after their freshmen year and before the end of their sophomore year. By then they had surpassed my input, and instead depended on each other, fellow students and teachers...as it should be. And as they all get older, I know that will become more and more of the norm in their everyday life. But the life we've lived and the conversations and dreams we've shared will always be in my heart. 

Emma was always one to "play up" with the older girls in the family. She wanted to be one of the big girls and be in the mix. Well, she's one of the big girls for real now, and as she takes her next step out and away, once again, it stretches my heart. Because letting go has surely been harder than labor pains and scuffed knees and first days of kindergarten and high school graduations and the end of college. One of the special things about John working at ULM has been that he walks in the ceremony as a faculty member. He gets a special seat for the show. So next week as he watches from his seat and I watch from mine, once again it will be bittersweet. Honoring the accomplishment of finishing the job will be foremost in our minds, as we watch the end of hers as well as the nearing end of ours. 

When I knew I wanted to have kids, I really didn't think about the longterm of it all. I didn't think about how I was going to feed them and educate them and keep them safe every day of their lives. I just knew I wanted to be a mother and that was it. It's been the most defining  job of my life. And as John and I finish the decision making and the heavy lifting of parenting, it's hard to imagine being a watchful bystander in our kids' lives. But that's exactly what he and I are becoming. I have confidence that even with some terrible mistakes we've made, we did the best we could. We will celebrate this accomplishment confident in the responsible children we have brought to adulthood. But we certainly didn't do it alone. Family and church family helped us, and God gave us more grace than we deserved. I'm so grateful for my family, small and large, to live life together and love even when things are tough. 

And so now I find myself two years older, hopefully two years wiser with two graduated daughters to count. I'll try harder to look forward to what will be, instead of focusing on what was, because I really don't want to live in the past. And I know I sound like a broken record when I say it feels like I just walked in the door with my newborns tucking them into bed for the first time. But the last time I did was almost 18 years ago. And as I said when Caitlin graduated, "No one tells you before you have kids your heart will stretch and grow and ache and rejoice with the ebb and flow of your children's lives. But surely it does." 

By now, I think my heart must be made of spandex.