Me today

February is almost over and I've been away from this space for a long time again. I've tried to write a few things and then I'd read it and hate it and then try something else and hate it more. Typically, I then erase it all and walk away. It's become the pattern for a long time now. Most especially in the last 13 months. 

But trying to move forward has been really tough. We've had birthdays and weddings and Easter and Christmas and as life would have it, it keeps marching on. But life feels different. And because of that, I've been somewhat paralyzed when it comes to writing. I've blogged what I've had to and nothing else. 

So I'm not sure if this will be the beginning of something new or another attempt at starting over. But here I am again. Trying...

As I continue to move forward in a sort of normal way, I don't want anyone to ever forget they are gone. No matter what I'm writing about or thinking about, I never forget they are gone. A birthday or a wedding day or an, I'm going to the grocery store day. I never forget it. I can't. There is no escape from it. This is the new me. The me that has lost her mother and her sister and I don't completely know what to do with myself. I can't hide it and I can't run from it. And because of that, I've not been here to record my thoughts, feelings and broken heart. That's why. Because I miss them more today than a month ago and it never goes away. With each passing day I miss them more and grappling with this permanent separation has been the hardest thing I've ever felt. So I hope that anyone reading this understands that I'm not trying to be a whiny baby. Instead, I'm trying to learn this new way of living and to write about life as this new me sees it every day. 

We have spent a year plus without Mom and almost one year without Carrie. That's so hard to believe. Almost one year has passed. In that time we've continued with normal every day things. But it all feels so different to me. I still think about calling Mom and going by. Not sure I'll ever not think that way. 

This time last year I was so sure Carrie was going to be healed and would be living her best life here on earth. I thought she deserved to have whatever she wanted after some of the sacrifices she made during her lifetime. So when she died it shook me to my core because I was so sure she going to be OK. So sure. Because the level of my wrongness was so huge, my faith has failed me and I have no confidence in hearing from God. So it's been the worst kind of year because of death and failure. When in my eyes for Carrie, failure was not an option. 

So one year later I'm still floundering in unsureness of myself and what I thought I heard and what I thought I saw and what I said to Carrie. She knew what I believed. And the struggle to make myself believe I didn't lie to her has been my own personal hell on earth. Even though I DID believe it, so I guess it wasn't a lie. But nonetheless I was so wrong. 

So here I am....unsure, fairly faithless and not knowing what is from God and what isn't. Most days the struggle for me is so real. It's always been so easy for me to list all my failures very quickly. They're on a tape recorder in my head.

This place I find myself in is why I haven't come back to this space to express myself until right now. 

It's taking all I have not to erase these words and walk away again. 

Lord help me somehow to get to the other side of this grief that has tried to consume me. 

An October wedding for Maggie and Romeo

There's something about a perfect October day. I think the sky in October is the bluest perfect blue I've ever seen. And the cool air reminds us that Fall won't pass us by and will actually come to the south. It's a great month. Truly Etheredge was born in October, that alone makes it a good one. 

This October was really something special though, because Maggie and Romeo got married on a day in a month that happened to be October. The sun was shining in a golden moment like October always promises. It's sunshine is rarely matched. It's this beautiful glow that illuminates everything it touches. And on the 27th day of October in 2018, it shone down on a beautiful wedding. The shadows of the day were dancing in the late afternoon as the stage was set for an unforgettable event. 

"The day we got married..." We saw when that story began. It was full of happiness and some bittersweet moments. But even though the loss of loved ones was evident, the fact they weren't there didn't ruin the day. Instead I think God gave us the strength to understand that what was happening was worth setting our sorrows aside for the joy of the day. And with that purpose in mind, we made a great memory. 

It's always fun to observe the two people getting married on their wedding day. There is excitement, maybe a few nerves, anticipation, expectation and the hope for all to go as planned. It's the beginning of a life of a brand new family. For Maggie and Romeo it all came together for one unforgettable moment in a lifetime of moments. 

From little boys in special bow ties, to little girls managing halos of flowers, it will always be the sweet memory of a late afternoon in Louisiana when they became Mr. and Mrs. It was a privilege to attend and see the day unfold for us all. 

Don't forget to pray for them and wish for them all the best in this world. Also lets all remember to love more than we ever have before, forgive more than we ever thought we could and always appreciate each other. Years from now a legacy of love will continue to fill your hearts and home with all you're learned as you live out your lives together. 

When you started as two, and then became one...

All the best to the beautiful couple.

Health and happiness and prosperity and goodness and kindness and all the great things in life for you both as long as you both shall live. 

At the end of a long wonderful life, don't forget to thank God for your many blessings to come.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Four posts and pictures of Thanksgiving 2017

I decided to post all of last year's Thanksgiving pictures today. It's a snapshot of a moment in time of our whole family. New babies and the old guard alike gathered to enjoy the day together. Little did we know it would be our last with Mom and Carrie. 

Today is bittersweet for me, and I don't want to make anyone sad, but it's also who we are as a family right now. Continually learning to live without.

But we will make it....together. 

Scroll for four

Thanksgiving 2017

If I'd known 2017 was the last Thanksgiving we would all share together, I'd have burned the day into my memory so that I could treasure it forever. But I didn't. I took fewer pictures of Mom with anyone than I ever had. I have no idea why I did that. In the past I always made sure I took too many pictures. But not last year. 

As I looked through all the photos from last year, I remember some things, but not a lot. I decided to post each and every picture. Even the ones that usually don't pass muster. It was a good day. We worked together and ate together and did crosswords together and just enjoyed being together. 

This Thanksgiving begins something different for us all. So as you look back to last year, I hope you remember it with happiness. 

Just take your time, remember and hopefully smile.  

If I'd known the last time was the last time...

This family of ours

This year of loss is coming to an end. It's felt long and sad and somedays lonely. It's been tough. Many times we've struggled. We've had to lean on each other. We've cried tears. At times our broken hearts felt like we couldn't take it anymore. We've felt the loss every single day. 

But now it feels like we're coming to a place where we can feel the new normal. Living without them. Going forward we have no choice but to understand it and accept it. But I can feel the heaviness of losing them is lifting. As we move closer to a year, I feel different. I can feel that God has been working on my broken heart. Because I asked him to. Because I didn't want to feel that way forever. So I asked him to help me. To fix it. And he has been faithful to do the work. More times than not I've struggled to be patient about it. But it seems like the distance of a year has made a difference as well.  

But this loss has been different because it's my mother. The one person who knew me like no other. There was never going to be a good time for her to leave me....leave us all. And when it happened we were so shocked. She was the matriarch. The tried and true. The cheerleader, the encourager, the listener, the hearer. Her mother's love tied us to her and her to us. She made us know we belonged. Belonged to her. Losing that feeling has been hard. 

I still miss her every single minute of every day. I even had tears today. So clearly there is more work to do. But the heavy lifting feels like it's almost over. But this first Thanksgiving without her will be one of the last things we have to get to the other side of. It will come without she and Carrie. And we will get through it together. 

I can't explain what God does when you allow him to heal your heart from the grueling grip of grief. I just know he is faithful to do it. So here we are on this side of losing and this side of healing and this side of our first Thanksgiving without them. It's been a year of firsts....graduations, weddings, birthdays...without them. We've made it through all of it together. That's how we've always done it.

It seems only fitting that we look back to last year when we were ALL still together. Last year the future looked pretty frightening for Carrie and not long after Thanksgiving all our fears were confirmed. But here we are after losing two precious members of our family and we are still standing under the shadow of the almighty. Never understanding why it had to be this way, but accepting that He has held us and comforted us in the middle of the heartache and the pain of losing the fight to keep them both with us. It was a brutal fight and a brutal loss, but if the devil thought he would beat us, he was wrong. Sure we were beat down, but not overcome. We have battle scars, but we weren't defeated. Just trusted God with the new plan instead. 

So this year I'm grateful that Billie June Etheredge Walker was my wonderful and loving mother for 58 years. I'm grateful that Carrie Anna Walker was my dear sister for 56 years. I'm so glad I loved them and they loved me. Of all the families that God could have chosen to make for us, he put all of us together. He did us good. 

I've included all the pictures of us gathering together for our group photo. It's so odd to look at it now and know what we didn't know then. That they would leave us, and we would be devastated and miss them like crazy and trust God because that's all we could do. 

Scroll down and take a good long look at us a year ago. There is no need for commentary. I just want to look and remember the last year when we were together. Because for us, together has always been better. 

Thank you God for all you have given me and my whole big family. Even in my brokenness, somehow your comfort pierced through it all and made me better. I don't deserve it, but you give your grace so freely. 

I'm especially thankful for that. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I'm grateful for love and sweet memories that I've been privileged to be a part of.