I remember.....
Those are powerful words to me. We are a family of many good times shared together, so it makes me happy we added a new memory from last weekend.
Now we can say, I remember, the day Carlie and CJ got married....
Imagine a lovely day in June in Louisiana that wasn't too hot, and the sky was a perfect shade of blue. June 8th 2019 was just like that. It was the perfect day for making an unforgettable wedding into a lovely memory. And the multitude of us that is our family gathered to witness it all.
The day began as many wedding days do, with girls gathering for makeup and hairdo sessions. There were lots of giggles and laughter, hairbrushes and curling irons and also champagne to celebrate. The girls were having fun being together while the boys were off getting ready for a wedding like boys do. Not sure what that looks like really.
But after months of planning, picking colors, ordering and making sure everything was just right, it was time to get married.
At the church the bridesmaids looked beautiful in lovely lavender gowns. There were handsome little fellas in suspenders wearing special purple bow ties. Three precious little girls wore puffy white dresses with lavender satin sashes, and they processed without incident all the way down the aisle, as if they were tiny little pros. There was an audible collective "Awwww" as they made their way to the altar.
There was a groom all starched and ironed looking handsome and ready to say I do. Then, with everyone in their places, it was time for the bride to make her entrance. As the music began, Carlie and her father walked down the aisle, to her awaiting and beaming husband to be. The dress, in all it's lacey glory, was perfect, and all eyes were on the two of them as we watched them make the most solemn vows to each other.....promises to love and cherish for as long as they both shall live. There were a few tears, mostly by the pastor, and then in an unforgettable moment, Mr. and Mrs. CJ Holloway became a real thing.
Sealed with a kiss and smiles all around, it instantly became the most lovely moment and memory. Now Carlie and CJ can tell their kids and grandkids, "I remember the day we got married." It's an all new beginning. The beginning of a family and part of the story of their lives. From this day forward, for better or worse, they will walk it out no matter what. I hope all the days are good and fun and perfect, but if they aren't, I pray they fight together to get to the better. Also that they trust God and love God and reach for God, but after that, reach for each other before anything or anyone else.
The story of Carlie and CJ already includes a fix up by a friend, the day they met, bank jobs, two houses, Ruston, Louisiana Tech, ULM and Monroe and an engagement on Carlie's birthday. And the story continues to write itself each day, with the wedding and a honeymoon. And so it goes, on and on. What will be next? Make as many unforgettable memories as you can. And then make some more. Remember them all so you can share them with your loved ones. We love to tell and retell our favorite moments.
But also don't forget to keep secrets that only the two of you share. Love no matter what, even when you don't like each other. The years will fly by before you know it, they always do. I pray for you health and happiness and joy and prosperity and loving more than you ever imagined possible.
Far from now, you'll look back at all you've experienced together and know that you would do it all over again. That's what Billie June told Big Frank.
And then there is this card...
Maybe this one was near a not so good day.
But it was a marriage that lasted 58 years. I know for a fact they lived through better and worse, through richer and poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, until Big Frank left this earth. But what mattered to them most, even remembering their worst, was that they would do it all over again.
So Carlie and CJ, I pray fervently for you only the best God has to offer each and every day of your lives. We as a family will do whatever we can to help ya'll in any way possible. You have so many people loving you and rooting for you and praying for you both. I believe you will have a most wonderful life together.
So here's to the next 75 years and on and on and on.
God bless you both all the days of your long, healthy and prosperous life.
And much love from me.
Thanks for a wonderful new memory.
Today is the one year mark of Carrie moving to heaven and our family being forever and profoundly changed on March 13, 2018. It was the worst of everything we could have imagined. It's been one year. And I can't believe it.
What I really want to do is sit here and lament about all the sad things again, but instead I'm going to write about the things for which I'm grateful and thankful. Because today I'm choosing to trust God with my feelings and my heart. This year has been one of our toughest on record and it's been hard and long and sad and happy and so many things I just can't list them all. But here we all are as a family, still trusting God even when we don't understand and for sure don't like it. So, I'm thankful for the fact we've made it together.
I'm thankful that Carrie is no longer in pain and that she made it out of this fallen world and into the next. I'm thankful that Jesus was waiting to greet her personally into his open arms. I'm thankful she was reunited with all the people in heaven we miss so desperately. I'm glad she and Mom only spent a few short months apart, because they were great companions to each other.
Carrie was fiercely loyal to her family, and she loved us all, but we know Billie June had her most unending devotion. The two of them spent many hours together and were the best of friends. So to think Carrie would be happy on this earth without Mom was just plain wrong. But having said that, I'm still terribly sad for myself and all the rest of us that she isn't here with us.
I'm thankful for the memory of her beautiful blue eyes. I'm so grateful to have enjoyed a kinship with Carrie as my sister. She was this generous, thoughtful, never forgot anything, personal shopper, very detailed person. Her generosity was legendary. She would give you anything that was hers. That was always her way. If you admired something of hers, her first reaction was usually, "Take it."
But what I'm most thankful for is the time we spent together as a family. I'm thankful that we have all stood together to get to the other side of this loss that was so huge for us. We have had some really tough days filled with grief, but we have helped each other through with encouragement and kind words and the reminder that we grieve with hope.
I'm very grateful for this family of ours and that we live, love and laugh through the years together. I could not do this life without any of you. Each one of you is precious to me and I'm so very thankful to God for you all.
One last thing. Happy birthday to Whitney Caroline Walker Foster. I'll never forget the night Carrie left us on your birthday and you walked into the room and said, "I feel like Carrie just said to me, checkmate." And with that unforgettable statement, we all laughed together. Even in our deepest sorrows we have still always found a way to laugh together. That's another thing I'm so very thankful for. I'm praying for your best year ever Whitney...full of hope and happiness and wonderful times.
As I close I pray that our hearts continue to mend and that we have so much fun in the years ahead, full of new babies and weddings and engagements and more weddings and more babies. There are so many adventures yet to be had. So many memories yet to be made. So much love yet to be shared. I'm looking forward to it all.
Love to each and every single one of you today and everyday.
February is almost over and I've been away from this space for a long time again. I've tried to write a few things and then I'd read it and hate it and then try something else and hate it more. Typically, I then erase it all and walk away. It's become the pattern for a long time now. Most especially in the last 13 months.
But trying to move forward has been really tough. We've had birthdays and weddings and Easter and Christmas and as life would have it, it keeps marching on. But life feels different. And because of that, I've been somewhat paralyzed when it comes to writing. I've blogged what I've had to and nothing else.
So I'm not sure if this will be the beginning of something new or another attempt at starting over. But here I am again. Trying...
As I continue to move forward in a sort of normal way, I don't want anyone to ever forget they are gone. No matter what I'm writing about or thinking about, I never forget they are gone. A birthday or a wedding day or an, I'm going to the grocery store day. I never forget it. I can't. There is no escape from it. This is the new me. The me that has lost her mother and her sister and I don't completely know what to do with myself. I can't hide it and I can't run from it. And because of that, I've not been here to record my thoughts, feelings and broken heart. That's why. Because I miss them more today than a month ago and it never goes away. With each passing day I miss them more and grappling with this permanent separation has been the hardest thing I've ever felt. So I hope that anyone reading this understands that I'm not trying to be a whiny baby. Instead, I'm trying to learn this new way of living and to write about life as this new me sees it every day.
We have spent a year plus without Mom and almost one year without Carrie. That's so hard to believe. Almost one year has passed. In that time we've continued with normal every day things. But it all feels so different to me. I still think about calling Mom and going by. Not sure I'll ever not think that way.
This time last year I was so sure Carrie was going to be healed and would be living her best life here on earth. I thought she deserved to have whatever she wanted after some of the sacrifices she made during her lifetime. So when she died it shook me to my core because I was so sure she going to be OK. So sure. Because the level of my wrongness was so huge, my faith has failed me and I have no confidence in hearing from God. So it's been the worst kind of year because of death and failure. When in my eyes for Carrie, failure was not an option.
So one year later I'm still floundering in unsureness of myself and what I thought I heard and what I thought I saw and what I said to Carrie. She knew what I believed. And the struggle to make myself believe I didn't lie to her has been my own personal hell on earth. Even though I DID believe it, so I guess it wasn't a lie. But nonetheless I was so wrong.
So here I am....unsure, fairly faithless and not knowing what is from God and what isn't. Most days the struggle for me is so real. It's always been so easy for me to list all my failures very quickly. They're on a tape recorder in my head.
This place I find myself in is why I haven't come back to this space to express myself until right now.
It's taking all I have not to erase these words and walk away again.
Lord help me somehow to get to the other side of this grief that has tried to consume me.
