I decided to post all of last year's Thanksgiving pictures today. It's a snapshot of a moment in time of our whole family. New babies and the old guard alike gathered to enjoy the day together. Little did we know it would be our last with Mom and Carrie.
Today is bittersweet for me, and I don't want to make anyone sad, but it's also who we are as a family right now.
Continually learning to live without.
But we will make it....together.
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Thursday, November 22, 2018
Thanksgiving 2017
If I'd known 2017 was the last Thanksgiving we would all share together, I'd have burned the day into my memory so that I could treasure it forever. But I didn't. I took fewer pictures of Mom with anyone than I ever had. I have no idea why I did that. In the past I always made sure I took too many pictures. But not last year.
As I looked through all the photos from last year, I remember some things, but not a lot. I decided to post each and every picture. Even the ones that usually don't pass muster. It was a good day. We worked together and ate together and did crosswords together and just enjoyed being together.
This Thanksgiving begins something different for us all. So as you look back to last year, I hope you remember it with happiness.
Just take your time, remember and hopefully smile.
If I'd known the last time was the last time...
As I looked through all the photos from last year, I remember some things, but not a lot. I decided to post each and every picture. Even the ones that usually don't pass muster. It was a good day. We worked together and ate together and did crosswords together and just enjoyed being together.
This Thanksgiving begins something different for us all. So as you look back to last year, I hope you remember it with happiness.
Just take your time, remember and hopefully smile.
If I'd known the last time was the last time...
This family of ours
This year of loss is coming to an end. It's felt long and sad and somedays lonely. It's been tough. Many times we've struggled. We've had to lean on each other. We've cried tears. At times our broken hearts felt like we couldn't take it anymore. We've felt the loss every single day.
But now it feels like we're coming to a place where we can feel the new normal. Living without them. Going forward we have no choice but to understand it and accept it. But I can feel the heaviness of losing them is lifting. As we move closer to a year, I feel different. I can feel that God has been working on my broken heart. Because I asked him to. Because I didn't want to feel that way forever. So I asked him to help me. To fix it. And he has been faithful to do the work. More times than not I've struggled to be patient about it. But it seems like the distance of a year has made a difference as well.
But this loss has been different because it's my mother. The one person who knew me like no other. There was never going to be a good time for her to leave me....leave us all. And when it happened we were so shocked. She was the matriarch. The tried and true. The cheerleader, the encourager, the listener, the hearer. Her mother's love tied us to her and her to us. She made us know we belonged. Belonged to her. Losing that feeling has been hard.
I still miss her every single minute of every day. I even had tears today. So clearly there is more work to do. But the heavy lifting feels like it's almost over. But this first Thanksgiving without her will be one of the last things we have to get to the other side of. It will come without she and Carrie. And we will get through it together.
I can't explain what God does when you allow him to heal your heart from the grueling grip of grief. I just know he is faithful to do it. So here we are on this side of losing and this side of healing and this side of our first Thanksgiving without them. It's been a year of firsts....graduations, weddings, birthdays...without them. We've made it through all of it together. That's how we've always done it.
It seems only fitting that we look back to last year when we were ALL still together. Last year the future looked pretty frightening for Carrie and not long after Thanksgiving all our fears were confirmed. But here we are after losing two precious members of our family and we are still standing under the shadow of the almighty. Never understanding why it had to be this way, but accepting that He has held us and comforted us in the middle of the heartache and the pain of losing the fight to keep them both with us. It was a brutal fight and a brutal loss, but if the devil thought he would beat us, he was wrong. Sure we were beat down, but not overcome. We have battle scars, but we weren't defeated. Just trusted God with the new plan instead.
So this year I'm grateful that Billie June Etheredge Walker was my wonderful and loving mother for 58 years. I'm grateful that Carrie Anna Walker was my dear sister for 56 years. I'm so glad I loved them and they loved me. Of all the families that God could have chosen to make for us, he put all of us together. He did us good.
Thank you God for all you have given me and my whole big family. Even in my brokenness, somehow your comfort pierced through it all and made me better. I don't deserve it, but you give your grace so freely.
I'm especially thankful for that.
Happy Thanksgiving to all. I'm grateful for love and sweet memories that I've been privileged to be a part of.
But now it feels like we're coming to a place where we can feel the new normal. Living without them. Going forward we have no choice but to understand it and accept it. But I can feel the heaviness of losing them is lifting. As we move closer to a year, I feel different. I can feel that God has been working on my broken heart. Because I asked him to. Because I didn't want to feel that way forever. So I asked him to help me. To fix it. And he has been faithful to do the work. More times than not I've struggled to be patient about it. But it seems like the distance of a year has made a difference as well.
But this loss has been different because it's my mother. The one person who knew me like no other. There was never going to be a good time for her to leave me....leave us all. And when it happened we were so shocked. She was the matriarch. The tried and true. The cheerleader, the encourager, the listener, the hearer. Her mother's love tied us to her and her to us. She made us know we belonged. Belonged to her. Losing that feeling has been hard.
I still miss her every single minute of every day. I even had tears today. So clearly there is more work to do. But the heavy lifting feels like it's almost over. But this first Thanksgiving without her will be one of the last things we have to get to the other side of. It will come without she and Carrie. And we will get through it together.
I can't explain what God does when you allow him to heal your heart from the grueling grip of grief. I just know he is faithful to do it. So here we are on this side of losing and this side of healing and this side of our first Thanksgiving without them. It's been a year of firsts....graduations, weddings, birthdays...without them. We've made it through all of it together. That's how we've always done it.
It seems only fitting that we look back to last year when we were ALL still together. Last year the future looked pretty frightening for Carrie and not long after Thanksgiving all our fears were confirmed. But here we are after losing two precious members of our family and we are still standing under the shadow of the almighty. Never understanding why it had to be this way, but accepting that He has held us and comforted us in the middle of the heartache and the pain of losing the fight to keep them both with us. It was a brutal fight and a brutal loss, but if the devil thought he would beat us, he was wrong. Sure we were beat down, but not overcome. We have battle scars, but we weren't defeated. Just trusted God with the new plan instead.
So this year I'm grateful that Billie June Etheredge Walker was my wonderful and loving mother for 58 years. I'm grateful that Carrie Anna Walker was my dear sister for 56 years. I'm so glad I loved them and they loved me. Of all the families that God could have chosen to make for us, he put all of us together. He did us good.
I've included all the pictures of us gathering together for our group photo. It's so odd to look at it now and know what we didn't know then. That they would leave us, and we would be devastated and miss them like crazy and trust God because that's all we could do.
Scroll down and take a good long look at us a year ago. There is no need for commentary. I just want to look and remember the last year when we were together. Because for us, together has always been better.
Scroll down and take a good long look at us a year ago. There is no need for commentary. I just want to look and remember the last year when we were together. Because for us, together has always been better.
Thank you God for all you have given me and my whole big family. Even in my brokenness, somehow your comfort pierced through it all and made me better. I don't deserve it, but you give your grace so freely.
I'm especially thankful for that.
Happy Thanksgiving to all. I'm grateful for love and sweet memories that I've been privileged to be a part of.
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