It has left me reeling and my faith has been tested. My faith has been beat down and run over. And I'm left with few words of how this can be. How did this thief find her and take her from us? How did we let this happen? I have so many questions with no answers. The only thing I hear is silence. I sit here in silence not knowing what to do or how to cope. All I have is an unspeakable grief I only share with my surviving siblings first, and then the rest of my family.
And yet it's still my own. My own sadness that will not leave me for some amount of time. I have no idea how long it will be.
I try not to let grief consume me. And I know it will leave me one day. But not yet. Not today. It's found a home in my heart since the day Mom left us so quickly. But it got a real hold on me...as well as the rest of us when Carrie was told such a frightening diagnosis.
She came to my house that day. I'll never forget it or the Hallmark movie I was watching that day she came. It was one I'd never seen before and it had drawn me in. I heard the door open and I turned and saw her face. And I knew. I knew in that second she was about to tell me something terrible. I knew she had been waiting for the news. And when I saw her face instead of a phone call or text telling us all was well, she had come here....and my heart sank.
But even so I never dreamed she would say the words, "They are saying I most likely have cancer." But in that moment, our lives changed forever. Most assuredly hers more than mine. But when I heard her say it, it burned into my brain, as did that movie at the same moment.
Refusing to accept it, I immediately said NO! I told her that so many times. As we all did. And so we began to pray and cast every prayer to God that we could pray. We believed. We stood. We begged. I pleaded. I asked every moment of every day. I had so much faith at the beginning. Praying for healing before surgery. Healing before chemo. Healing with chemo. With each changing circumstance I....we....adjusted prayers and believed for a different avenue for her.
As a family, we circled her in prayer....and we believed it would be as we hoped and prayed. And even though we walked beside her in this nightmare she was living, she was the only one to have a chemo port put in by surgery. We took her for chemo, but she had to receive it to her body. She had to struggle with the effects of it. She was the only one walking it out. This brave, beautiful child of God was walking her Gethsemane. And even though we helped as much as we could. It was so hard to watch. It was unbearable to see it.
Our help to her became the thing to do to ease her days and make us busy at doing anything for her that we could. Acts of service for her became the normal. This woman who had been such a servant to others was reduced to being waited on hand and foot. Being served instead of serving wasn't easy for her. This woman who thrived on doing for others, was having to endure being sidelined. And as she struggled with her inability to do the common every day things, someone would say, "There are better days ahead." "It won't always be like this."
But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, it was obvious she wasn't getting better. But we still prayed and hoped. And believed.
Until....
The last night we spent with her was like no other and I'd never wish it on my worst enemy. I'll not speak of it. It was too much to watch, most certainly too much to endure. The struggle was intense as she made her readiness to leave this world. And us.
So one week ago, on her third time in a hospital in less than three weeks, she told us to let her go. She insisted. There would be no discussion. It was as she would have it and no other way.
When we obliged our youngest sister of her request.....her demand....so many hearts broke, because we knew it would be unbearable to let her go. It is the most pain I've ever felt in my life.
So now here we are. Wondering how life got so serious so fast.
I have no idea what the future of this life will look like without her.
But surely our broken hearts will mend someday.
And with that thought, I feel a tiny bit of hope rise up in my heart.
Love you forever and always Carrie.
Give everyone a kiss from me.
