I have a dream to be Texas bound...

I've had these pics set aside forever while I've been looking for more, but they are so hard to find. I know them when I see them. Looking for them is the problem. 

This is short and sweet because I'll be leaving town today. 

So no new posts for a while. 

Peace out to the people!

Is that a dream or a bird?

Cheeky people thinking you have a dream...

Dream on the ceiling. 

Is that a dream I smell?

"I told me Bill I had a dream, bet he doesn't even remember."
"Geez, what was that dream she told me about?" 

Dreams are not just for people. Apple oatmeal snacks, not just a dream.

Dream shmeam.

I have many many dreams.

A dream? You people are crazy.

Yeppers, more and more dreams. And schemes....

I dream of driving this car.

I dream of horses not eating me.

I'm out....

The graduate all grown up

Scroll for two

Cause there is....

The graduate

The story of Owen and Neville

Tonight Owen will graduate from Neville High School. It's still sort of a shock when I say that. Because it's not what I wanted. Let me tell you why.

About 6 years ago Kent Henry came to our church for a concert and preaching session. He's the nicest hippy type guy, really personable and easy to talk to. While there he made a point to meet people and talk to them and ask questions about their lives. Well one of the nights he was there, Owen and I were standing in the church gym...I still know exactly where we were standing...as Kent, Owen and I were talking. Kent was asking about where Owen went to school and about his own daughter attending high school. He said he had some concerns about her attending a public high school, but his older son said to him, "Dad she will be fine, let her go." And when he made that statement, I KNEW at that exact moment, Owen was going to Neville. The actual words in my head were, "Crap, he's going to Neville." And I was instantly mad. Seven seconds after Kent said that to us I began a months long, one sided dialogue with God. It started with why I didn't want him to go and why it was a bad idea. He said nothing. He knew I was mad, because I told Him every day. Every single day. And every single day He said nothing. It was so annoying. So I stayed mad. And God knew it. 

All the while I was mad, we were planning our next school year at Pine Grove. What I wanted was for all my kids to graduate from our church school. It mattered to me. So as the next year was looming in the distance, people were committing to come to our school, and I was preparing for it, Olivia's senior year. She had to graduate. Had to. But the closer it got to August, less and less people were committing to come and it was getting to be a concern. The school opened just as we planned, but it was obvious in just a few days, we didn't have enough kids to continue. I was devastated. Truly so. I felt a personal responsibility about it closing, and I beat myself to death about it every day. I rarely let up on me...reminding myself of all the things I probably did wrong which caused it to close. I droned on and on and on about it, mostly to myself. God let me rant. 

But even in the midst of what I saw as my horrible failure, I still had to educate my two remaining high school/junior high kids. So instead of sending them out to school that year, we decided I'd homeschool Olivia and Owen. But I knew in my heart I couldn't do it with Owen for 4 more years. It wasn't what he wanted and I knew that. And I could see Neville hanging in the future like this huge hulking building on Forsythe. I continued to be annoyed. God and I didn't speak about it. In fact, we didn't talk much about anything. I figured freezing Him out would make Him see I was right, and I'd get my way. 

Well, I'm happy to report that homeschool worked, for a year at least, and the three of us survived and in the spring of 2010 Olivia graduated...by herself...as possibly the last known Pine Grove graduate ever. We had a ceremony and everything.  

But...Owen still had four more years.    

As the 2010 school year wound down, John and I talked and talked and talked about what to do with the boy. We knew of an orientation being held at Neville for parents and students of incoming freshmen. John and I went to get a feel for the place and I was determined that after this, God would finally see my side, admit He was wrong and get on board with my plan....even though I didn't have one. So the two of us went. We listened. It didn't sound too bad. But I was still right. Someone ELSE was wrong. When we left that night I had a sick feeling in my stomach. This just could't be the plan! Could it?! It couldn't be the best for Owen. Was it?! But God said nothing.  

Soon after that night, I reluctantly called Neville and made an appointment with the principal to talk to him about Owen possibly, maybe attending. Still mad. We had a good talk. We asked a lot of questions. He answered them. He didn't seem to be an ax murderer. No one there did. It was so weird that everyone was nice. But I didn't like it. When we left that day, it was all so real to me that this thing was actually going to happen and Owen was going to attend Neville High School. The whole time still so pist about being right, but clearly not getting my way. That whole summer I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. August was coming fast. Owen was excited about going to Neville. It was me against the world. Finally, it was the night before the first day of school and I couldn't move to Canada with Owen and have an ignorant Canadian son. And I'd not made any plane resos or anything. It seemed inevitable that morning was coming and he was going.  

The first day came and went....he loved it. How could I be the only one who was right about this being a bad idea? Whatever, I knew he'd still come around to my way of seeing it. 

Day 2....loved again. So. Stupid.

Day 3 through all the rest of his first year...loved it. He played on the baseball team. He made friends. He thrived. It was only a matter of time before he AND God saw the error of their ways. Really. Really. Also, in the first year, he made all A's. The year ended. He was alive, not bullied, and he'd had so much fun. And, at the end of his first year, he made the decision he was going to try for all A's the next year as well, and announced to me his goal of being valedictorian, which required three more years of obtaining all A's. That put so much pressure on me.  

The second year came and went. He loved it again and he had all A's again. It was becoming more and more clear someone was possibly wrong about something.

Third year....by now the wrongness was screaming at someone. Someone was wronger than anyone else. His report card was once again full of A's. Three years of A's. Wow. And it was that year Owen made a best friend and they began to hang out and have fun. He made other friends and life was as he wanted it. Then the unthinkable happened. His friend, Daniel, told me he was going to Germany for his senior year of high school. That was it! Finally...surely I was right. It caused me stress to think Owen would be all alone his senior year. No best friend. No friends. No friends at all. I was finally right....and drama free. 

But at the same time, three years...already? No. Way. It was going by crazy fast. And so began his senior year....him all alone..... Well, turns out, Owen made another best friend. Possibly better than the first. Go figure. Someone was maybe gonna have to tell someone else someone was wrong. Super super wrong. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I hate that. 

So in January 2014 he was down to four more nine weeks and two more semesters to bang out all A's one more time. I was so nervous the whole time. After Christmas he came home one day and told me he was trying out for the tennis team. His new best friend was on it and he was going to try to make it. Wait..... What? You've hardly ever played tennis. You've never had a lesson. You don't own a racquet. He was determined. Well, he made the tennis team. He played doubles all spring, and he and his partner won way more than they lost. He loved it. The last two 9 weeks of school were nail biters for him and his A's. He'd hit a hurdle in Chemistry and it was gonna be close to get that last A. Even though he worked harder, he still needed a miracle. And on the absolute last day of school he found out he got his A in Chemistry and he had all A's again. So last night I sat down and added up all the A's he made in 4 years and it came to a grand total of 178. 178. That's 178 A's in four years. I can't even.... 

And so he made his goal of valedictorian. And tonight I'll watch my son graduate from a school I never wanted him to attend. 

In the four years Owen attended Neville, I can't count the number of people who have complimented his character. He's been the nice guy to the unpopular people as well as friends with all different groups of kids. He's made so many friends I just can't tell you. It's been quite humbling to me. All of his teachers were wonderful and tough and very impactful in his life. And I know he wouldn't be who he is now if he hadn't gone to school there. I know it. He knows it. And I know God knows it.

So what's the moral to the story for me?

If only I had trusted God back in in 2009 when Kent Henry said those words to us. If only I'd heard it and said, "OK God, I'm with you." If only my sacrifice had been silent and true. Instead it was loud and argumentative. And you know the thing is, I knew all along I was going to do what God told me to, I did send Owen to Neville. But during the process, He got way to much attitude and arguments about it. Wish I hadn't done it that way. Wish I'd trusted more and griped less. But God knows me and knows my mouth. I know He could take it, just wish He hadn't had to. He was right and I was wrong. Shocker. And He hasn't said I told you so one time. 

I hope, if there's a next time, I quietly listen and nod and say OK. 

I hope. 

So tonight, the first ever of our blood will make a speech, along with two other valedictorians and receive an honors diploma from Neville High School. Forty six years after the first one in our family graduated from the same school. There is a bit of tradition about it. Owen loves his alma mater. And I have to say even though I know my kids are good students, I never saw this one coming. His determination has been something to behold. I never nagged him about his schoolwork at all. It's truly his accomplishment. And we will celebrate it tonight. 

Well done Owen Thomas.

Congratulations for what you've achieved. I couldn't be more proud....or more wrong. 

And God couldn't have been nicer about my wrongness. 

Here's to getting it right next time. 

I hope.   

I just went back and found this blog post from four years ago. If only I could have told myself then what myself today sees. It will all be OK.

Owen starts real high school tomorrow morning as one of about 800 kids. He's never been more than 1 of 55 students until now. He's always had an aunt, a close friend or his mom as his teacher. In all my ideas of how my kids would be educated, public high school was never in the plan. And even though I have peace about him going, it's not completely easy to watch it happen. It's never been easy for me to watch my kids take another grown up step in their lives. It's part of the process of letting them go but even so, doing it is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Here's to getting it right next time...    

The graduate all grown up

The graduate

It's Olivia's turn

Since the year 2000, our family has had so many gradations that it's hard to keep up with the total. It's 18 since 2000. I'd say there's been a lot of educating going on. Which brings me to number 19 and Olivia. Olivia Grace. Now it's her turn. Her turn to graduate from college. This Saturday she will take her place among the graduated from college. It's a very prestigious accomplishment to me. She doesn't necessarily agree. But I couldn't be happier that she has completed her not so loved major.

Olivia was born 14 1/2 months after Emma. And it wasn't an accident. People teased me about having another baby so soon after Emma, but I always knew it was a good idea. I still do. Once I had three little girls on the ground, it was wild heavenly chaos. Seriously. Chaos. The girls and I hit our stride as homebodies once Olivia was here. We woke up, ate breakfast and made tents and doll houses and did the fun stuff. I loved to dress them alike and when I look back now, who knew I'd be someone who hates to match? But I had a matching set of cute little girls and was tickled pink.....

Olivia's always had a unique way of fitting in, even when she's seen and not heard. She has such a sense of seeing things, different from many. It's always interesting to me to find out what she thinks. She's a thinking person. But now our third daughter has done the unthinkable. She's all grown up, and she's turned out pretty fabulous. Her sense of humor and dry wit are the envy of me. She has a way about her that fascinates me, and a couple of weeks ago she asked me to go to Target with her, so I did. Once there she proceeded to buy specific things indicating she was going to mail them to an unnamed cousin out of town. When I doubted some of her purchasing choices she said, "You can't. You can't question the process. You don't understand how this works." She was correct. She has much patience for setting up a prank and letting it play out. Even if it takes months. I cannot.   

Everyone knows Olivia has a love of all things Texas. It happened early in her life and she has stayed true to it. I remember for some reason Gran told me she looked like a Rosemary to him, so he called her Rosemary. I have no idea why. But he did. We've talked about her naming a daughter Rosemary in memory of him. I know Gran would find her fun and funny and I'd love to see the two of them sitting and talking together. He would find her to be absolutely enjoyably wonderful. 

I wish I had a notebook of all the things I want to remember from my kids childhood. But I didn't write things down. But I remember Olivia as patient, kind, tough, and tender hearted. And I've been thinking about my own tender heart when it comes to my kids growing up. I really really don't want my kids to still be babies. I know I've said this here before, but what I've realized what makes my heart hurt is the battles they now must fight on their own. Sometimes daily. It's the loss of innocence I hate to see more than anything. Knowing it's not kid's play anymore. And outside people will never have their best interest at heart like John and me. But even so, with all that in my head and my heart, I know it will be OK. My instinct as I see change coming is always to say no first. But I can't because that would mean them not pursuing happiness and success outside of our family. And because I want all those things for them, I know change is inevitable and will be good. I just hope the change coming will keep them closer than farther away. 

So Saturday John and I will take up our seats again, along with the rest of our family and watch this important event in the life of our third child to graduate and celebrate her accomplishment....and ours. I don't know how we managed to achieve such wonderful kids...including nieces and nephews....but I'm so grateful to God for the lives they are living.We've done it together, and stuck it out through the good and the bad. 

Olivia turned 22 yesterday and will be a college graduate tomorrow. It's a pretty big week for her. 

And my heart is mostly happy about it all.

Maybe I'm finally growing up

A little.....

It's happening again.

 This time in twos. 

These two are graduating.

From two different schools on two different days. But the result is the same. More of my people are grown ups. Fully grown. Not going back. It's done. And the result for me is, reconciling it in my mind and my heart. 

Because some days, when they leave the house, they look like this to me.

But I know this for sure.

Once I got pregnant there was only one goal....to have a healthy baby. It's a job. Take care. Take care of everything to take care of the baby. Your body is no longer your own. Sacrifices are made to ensure having a healthy child. Then the most intense pain comes in order to make this child come into the world. You do what it takes to make it happen. Whatever it takes. Then you have this tiny, vulnerable, helpless infant who will not survive unless you take care of his or her every need....for years. It's the job of a lifetime that brings so much joy, wonderful memories, seemingly endless exhaustion and great accomplishment. You are hero. Best cook, number one diaper changer, best band aid kisser, nighttime warrior and most loyal fan they will ever have. All under the shelter of your home.

Then the day comes...school....and pieces of your heart are out of the house for hours of the day. And you won't be their only guard or guardian anymore. Trust in others becomes real and more serious than ever before. And then family changes to accommodate the new lifestyle, and rarely is your time your own. It's the mom job. School's at the top of the list and everything else takes a back seat. Because it's important. And so with multi kids in school there are many hoops to jump through. And the mom job means keeping things organized and moving in a forward direction. Because there's schoolwork, school events, school sports, school bedtime and don't forget church. Jesus is calling. And then there's youth group and youth camp and teenaged moods and you've blinked and it's time to start letting go. 

But didn't I just get started? Didn't I just kiss them goodnight and send them back to bed for the tenth time? It couldn't be time...yet.

But it is. 

And even though they will always be mine, they are not just mine any longer. I've been letting go for years. Different stages at least. I'm a multi tasker where that's concerned. Iv'e gone from making all the decisions, to making most of their decisions, to making some of their decisions, to helping them decide. And now watching them make their own. It's a process that tugs at my mother's heart.  

But another thing I know.... 

This mother's heart is devoted to her children. This is how it's been since I had them. This is how it works for me to want my kids to live and thrive and succeed. My heart is where I keep the secrets. Those deeply personal conversations I've had with each one of them. The ones that came from a place of unsureness about something or unanswerable questions in front of them. There've been many prayers, especially on days when I knew once they walked out the door they would have a battle to fight....alone.

They went from being babies who were all mine, to young adults who were partially mine, to adults who are no longer mine to manage. 

It keeps happening.

And so on this night...Owen's last night of high school...it's 2:50 and he's not home. 

He said I didn't have to wait up.

But a mother's heart never sleeps...